However, I feel very fortunate in the things I've been able to experience this past year, both for myself and with Christian.
About relationships.
About love.
And I want to put it into writing, both for myself, and anyone who can potentially benefit.
(Which is probably also mostly myself ha!)
You've been warned!
Prior to my marriage, I had spent my whole life learning the skills necessary to get me through the first several video game levels.
- I knew what monsters I would have to battle, and HOW to battle them.
- I knew the boulders I'd have to climb, the bridges I'd have to cross, the fires I'd have to fight, the bullets I'd have to dodge... because I had spent so many years repeating each level over and over and over and basically became a master of those obstacles.
I had honed those skills so well that I could practically complete the levels with my eyes closed.
I had gotten so proficient that there wasn't much more for me to learn**
ENTER NEW VIDEO GAME LEVEL.
One second, I was the master of every level, and the next I'm basically an infant who can hardly crawl through the video game, let alone complete this new level successfully.
All of the sudden, I was faced with new obstacles and monsters that I had never even seen before.
HOW THE HECK WAS I SUPPOSED TO CONQUER ALL THESE THINGS AT ONCE?!
And how is this fair? I've spent my whole life developing skills that were really beneficial in the prior levels, and now they hardly help me at all!
Sure, I could scale boulders and cross bridges, but how is that supposed to help me as I climb that Everest-size volcano and swim through lava?!**
(hint: you've spent a lot of time developing strong leg muscles because of all that boulder-scaling. That will help you conquer that volcano, you just have to train your strong muscles to work in a different way.
Funny how things like that work, huh?)
The first few months of this were SO. HARD.
We were moving around a lot, and living with Christian's family, and these circumstances combined with my emotional state made me kind of koo koo ha.
I felt depressed much of the time, which put a huge strain on my emotional state and made me feel guilty, like I wasn't being the kind of wife Christian wanted, needed and deserved.
(Bless that wonderful man for loving me through that!)
I had to learn a great amount of patience for myself, for our situation, and for the Lord's timing.
Many days, it felt like He was specifically slowing down my progression so I could learn as much as possible, that I would not rush through the "level" too quickly and miss some key experiences.
Sure I was being pelted by acid rain, and boulders were landing on my feet left and right.
But I had a caring Master, leading me through every part of the level and showing me what I needed to be learning, and how to apply the things from past levels to this entirely new world.
Through this, I saw that Heavenly Father can spend a ton of time teaching us
MANY things.
And one day, a new challenge will come along and we are expected to use those things we learned to carry us through this new challenge.
HERE'S THE CATCH: Just because you were proficient at the things you had spent so long learning doesn't mean this, or any new challenge is going to be a breeze.
It also doesn't mean that you will cruise through it quickly.
In fact, in order for you to gain the knowledge you need from this new challenge, it's likely that it will be drawn out and painful, because that's what a refining fire is right?
(There's this thing called humility I guess I need to work on...)
I guess the biggest thing I've learned is that life will throw us huge curve balls that require us to reevaluate who we are and what we're capable of, and that not all of the curve balls come in the form of marriage.
Some of us will be capable of learning these things in a short amount of time, maybe even just a matter of days. Others of us may take a year
(or two! or three!) to relearn the important things about ourselves, to reevaluate our priorities, and reassess the stuff we're made of.
What's most important is that we don't shrink in the face of these difficulties.
When faced with things that make us question our sense of self, it's VERY easy to feel so scared and confused that all we want to do is run away and not address the problem.
Because gosh darn it, sometimes it's a daunting task!
But if we can face that challenge, make it through that next crazy level of the video game, all with the help of the Savior, I think we will be amazed at the things we can accomplish!
About a month ago, Christian and I were privileged to speak in church about the atonement. In doing so, I learned something SO AMAZING that we should all apply to our trials. Elder Maxwell gave a talk once about the atonement, and he said this:
"Not shrinking is much more important than just surviving!"
Oh how I love this principle! In the face of difficulties, it's very easy to just go into survival mode, shrink, and forget about any kind of progression. We can often have the mentality of
"If I can just get through this....."
But what if we were able to not only "get through it", but actually come out more refined!
Wiser!
Happier!
Stronger!
Better able to help others!
All of this is possible if we decide not to shrink, but instead to use the help of the wonderful atonement and our loving Savior. And isn't that just the most wonderful thing?
I have spent the last year
slooooowwwwwwllllyyyy learning and relearning how to handle this new phase of life. Marriage really isn't that difficult, but there are so many little things that can happen that just make you go
"WHAT THE HECK?!
I just don't know how to deal with this!"
Simply put,
(if I can even say that after all this word vomit ha!)
it's just about continual progression.
Progressing to overcome your weaknesses
(Sometimes ones you didn't even know you had until you got married!)
Progressing to be selfless.
Progressing to integrate your spirituality with your spouses.
While also progressing to maintain your own.
Progressing to learn more about love.
Progressing in your ability to balance.
Progressing in your knowledge of your purpose in life, both as an individual and as a spouse
(Because guess what!
Just because you're married doesn't suddenly mean you can't still be Brooke!
Or Christian!
Or whomever!)
And you know what's amazing about these types of experiences?
They happen to everyone!
None of us are ever alone in these things!
And they aren't all directly tied to marriage!
The most important thing to remember through things like this are patience, and trying to understand what you can learn. Speaking from experience, hiding in a hole and shrinking isn't going to help anything. Your trials will still be there waiting for you, no matter when you surface.
So why not use the help of those around you who love you and WANT to be there for you.
The Savior is also standing right near by, waiting for you to come out of your hole and say
"Help."
Boy I wish I would have remembered this sooner!
I am very thankful however, for the things I have learned this last year. Like any trial in life, I feel that I have come out of it a little battered and bruised, but I also feel that I've learned enough to help me keep progressing through this video game that is life, one level at a time.
**I am in NO WAY insinuating that I was so good at life before I got married that I didn't have anything else to learn. I wholeheartedly believe that if it was the Lord's plan for me to stay single, I would have had PLENTY more to learn. However, that wasn't His plan. I needed to get married to Christian. And because of this, I felt strongly impressed that I had gleaned as much from my single life as I was going to up to that point. Just thought I should clarify before you go on worrying that my head is too big for me to carry around ha!**
**I'm also not insinuating that marriage is as painful as swimming through a vat of lava.
For the sake of the analogy right?**
