*disclaimer: this is long.
But it's taken me a long time to even HAVE these thoughts.
So articulating them is kind of a big deal.
Anyways, read on at your own risk*
I never struggled very much in school.
But it's taken me a long time to even HAVE these thoughts.
So articulating them is kind of a big deal.
Anyways, read on at your own risk*
I never struggled very much in school.
Then I went to BYU.
Where every person I met seemed to have a plan.
And not only did they have a plan, they STUCK with the plan.
And not only did they stick with the plan, but they all did really really really well at the plan.
And then there was me.
I'm not a failure, by any means.
But it has been a real struggle figuring out what I actually want to study.
And then sticking with it.
First, I was an English Education major.
(Teaching! YAY!)
Then, Spanish Education.
(Because everyone needs a little Latin flair right?)
Then Advertising.
(This will be cool, and maybe even a little easy!)
Then Marketing.
(Maybe I shouldn't have taken Econ, Math, Accounting and Family Finance all in the same semester...)
And then back to Advertising.
And not only all of this, I haven't even stayed at BYU this whole time.
I spent a semester at BYU-Idaho.... well..... just because I felt like I should!
How's that for breaking the mold?
Are you as out of breath reading that as I am typing it??
Then in January, I decided to only go to school part time.
I was working two jobs, being a fiancee, planning a wedding, and an impending move across the country.
All of which took my attention very much AWAY from my education.
Then summer came, during which I spent much more time working, getting my feet on the ground as a new wife, daughter-in-law, battling a mild bout of depression and a slight adjustment disorder, and lots of other things.
And now here I sit during a regular fall semester in which I would NORMALLY be at BYU.
But I'm not.
I'm here in Washington D.C.
Not going to school.
Again.
Needless to say,
COLLEGE HAS BEEN ONE LONG, TRANSITIONARY ROAD SO FAR.
I've been at such a cross roads, and it's been
SO.
UNBELIEVABLY.
FRUSTRATING.
I've felt so inadequate, and left behind, and just...... DISTRAUGHT I guess....
Because I haven't been living up to this invisible bar, and invisible timeline, that I've felt the rest of the world has set for me.
I've been so worried about not moving forward fast enough that I've completely forgotten what this phase of life is about. And also what it's NOT about.
It's not about doing the exact same thing as your peers.
It's not about picking some degree and cruising through college, JUST BECAUSE.
It's not about getting the bestgradesinthehistoryofever, especially because you feel like everyone else is.
It is about learning. Both in the classroom on campus, and in the classroom of life.
It is about figuring out who Brooke is, and what Brooke wants out of life.
It is about discovering my place in the world, and finding where I can make the biggest difference.
And it's especially about learning to
STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS THINKING AND DOING.
You guys.
4 years.
That's how long it's taken me to learn all this.
4 years of banging my head against countless walls.
4 years of taking classes, and feeling like they "haven't counted" towards any major.
4 years of panicking because I knew I wasn't going to graduate "on time"
4 years of feeling like a "failure" because I don't have a 4.0 GPA
4 years of crying big, fat, ugly tears over stupid assignments and tests that are now insignificant.
4 years of constant worrying about not measuring up to this invisible bar and timeline I somehow thought the world had established for me.
IT'S.
SO.
EXHAUSTING.
And I'm tired of being a nervous wreck about school.
I'm going to get my degree.
I'm going to do it in the time frame that works for ME.
And I'm going to love it.
I'm going to be grateful that I go to an amazing university, and that I can actually get an education.
I'm going to relish in every class I take, not because I'm getting it out of the way, but because I'm LEARNING.
I'm going to stop caring about everyone else and their "plan".
And I'm NOT going to regret everything I've had to do on my path towards my finish line.
I have been doing my best, and I will continue doing my best.
And that's as much as I can expect from myself.
And gosh darn it, if any of you are struggling with similar feelings of inadequacy,
IN ANY REALM OF LIFE, not just school....
Please learn from me, and my epic 4 year struggle, and STOP.
The world may seem to have standard established for you to meet, but you can set it for yourself!
We all know in our heart of hearts where our bar needs to be set.
So let's stop comparing ourselves to everyone else.
Stop feeling inadequate.
Stop being discouraged...
And learn to just be happy with where we are and where we are going.
Where every person I met seemed to have a plan.
And not only did they have a plan, they STUCK with the plan.
And not only did they stick with the plan, but they all did really really really well at the plan.
And then there was me.
I'm not a failure, by any means.
But it has been a real struggle figuring out what I actually want to study.
And then sticking with it.
First, I was an English Education major.
(Teaching! YAY!)
Then, Spanish Education.
(Because everyone needs a little Latin flair right?)
Then Advertising.
(This will be cool, and maybe even a little easy!)
Then Marketing.
(Maybe I shouldn't have taken Econ, Math, Accounting and Family Finance all in the same semester...)
And then back to Advertising.
And not only all of this, I haven't even stayed at BYU this whole time.
I spent a semester at BYU-Idaho.... well..... just because I felt like I should!
How's that for breaking the mold?
Are you as out of breath reading that as I am typing it??
Then in January, I decided to only go to school part time.
I was working two jobs, being a fiancee, planning a wedding, and an impending move across the country.
All of which took my attention very much AWAY from my education.
Then summer came, during which I spent much more time working, getting my feet on the ground as a new wife, daughter-in-law, battling a mild bout of depression and a slight adjustment disorder, and lots of other things.
And now here I sit during a regular fall semester in which I would NORMALLY be at BYU.
But I'm not.
I'm here in Washington D.C.
Not going to school.
Again.
Needless to say,
COLLEGE HAS BEEN ONE LONG, TRANSITIONARY ROAD SO FAR.
I've been at such a cross roads, and it's been
SO.
UNBELIEVABLY.
FRUSTRATING.
I've felt so inadequate, and left behind, and just...... DISTRAUGHT I guess....
Because I haven't been living up to this invisible bar, and invisible timeline, that I've felt the rest of the world has set for me.
I've been so worried about not moving forward fast enough that I've completely forgotten what this phase of life is about. And also what it's NOT about.
It's not about doing the exact same thing as your peers.
It's not about picking some degree and cruising through college, JUST BECAUSE.
It's not about getting the bestgradesinthehistoryofever, especially because you feel like everyone else is.
It is about learning. Both in the classroom on campus, and in the classroom of life.
It is about figuring out who Brooke is, and what Brooke wants out of life.
It is about discovering my place in the world, and finding where I can make the biggest difference.
And it's especially about learning to
STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS THINKING AND DOING.
You guys.
4 years.
That's how long it's taken me to learn all this.
4 years of banging my head against countless walls.
4 years of taking classes, and feeling like they "haven't counted" towards any major.
4 years of panicking because I knew I wasn't going to graduate "on time"
4 years of feeling like a "failure" because I don't have a 4.0 GPA
4 years of crying big, fat, ugly tears over stupid assignments and tests that are now insignificant.
4 years of constant worrying about not measuring up to this invisible bar and timeline I somehow thought the world had established for me.
IT'S.
SO.
EXHAUSTING.
And I'm tired of being a nervous wreck about school.
I'm going to get my degree.
I'm going to do it in the time frame that works for ME.
And I'm going to love it.
I'm going to be grateful that I go to an amazing university, and that I can actually get an education.
I'm going to relish in every class I take, not because I'm getting it out of the way, but because I'm LEARNING.
I'm going to stop caring about everyone else and their "plan".
And I'm NOT going to regret everything I've had to do on my path towards my finish line.
I have been doing my best, and I will continue doing my best.
And that's as much as I can expect from myself.
And gosh darn it, if any of you are struggling with similar feelings of inadequacy,
IN ANY REALM OF LIFE, not just school....
Please learn from me, and my epic 4 year struggle, and STOP.
The world may seem to have standard established for you to meet, but you can set it for yourself!
We all know in our heart of hearts where our bar needs to be set.
So let's stop comparing ourselves to everyone else.
Stop feeling inadequate.
Stop being discouraged...
And learn to just be happy with where we are and where we are going.
6 comments:
this should be a general conference talk. very well said----so wise and so true. thank you!
i can't imagine your journey the past 4 years! but keep going, you are totally right and you can totally do it!
Brooke, I loved this post. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this. Oddly enough, I needed to hear this today. Thank you so much for finding my blog! I am so excited to get to know you and follow your life stories! You seriously made my day!
sarahjane @
sjdmiller.blogspot.com
It took me five years (which included 3 terms during spring/summer) to graduate. I transferred to BYU after my freshman year.
I started out as a Journalism major. Transferred to BYU and switched to a Speech Pathology major.
I thought a lot about teaching, BUT "I had to graduate on time because everyone else knows what they are doing with their life."
Then I got up the guts and changed my major the summer before my senior year of college. BOOM. Life changing.
I understand how you feel and you're going to do great.
YES!! You go girl!! Because you are so right, constricting yourself to just an academic timeline is so exhausting. It's just a piece of paper. Look at all you HAVE done! You got MARRIED!! That's huge! You have hobbies, passions, a husband, and an AMAZING character!!! You have done so much! And eventually that degree will come, but I'd say for now, you are excelling far above the average person. And I want to talk about more, so I will just email you :)
Thanks for sharing. I've been feeling very much the same way about work right now. Worried that I don't measure up to my coworkers, worried that I don't appear as dedicated, worried that I won't make the right impression, when the truth of the matter is I have a job for ME. To make my life better. Doing our best is what matters to our Father in Heaven, and we shouldn't let anyone (including ourselves) tell us otherwise or that we aren't living up to expectations.
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