update!

It's the first day of spring!
It's international day of happiness!
It's also one year since my bilateral mastectomy, and it's about time for an update!
Much less fun than the first two, I will say ;)

Bet you weren't ready for this picture! Good times!

I can't believe it's been that long, and also that it's only been A YEAR?!
I won't lie to you. It's been a bit of an armpit.

Here's a refresher:  http://brookeshowalter.blogspot.com/2018/06/one-foot-in-front-of-other.html


So, life just got really real after my surgery, and it's just stayed pretty intense the whole year since. Lots of juxtapositions that I just have to laugh at.
Christian's job has been such a blessing, but it's also been out of control busy and stressful.
Parenting little little ones while doing all this is a sweet joy and distraction, but it also kills me daily because I'm just so freaking tired.
We were SO BLESSED when I got put on the clinical trial drug back in July, and I also hate it so much because it makes me feel like death. And I still have a year and a half before I'm done
*cue tears* haha.
(There's a whole post forthcoming where I pretty much just complain about the way I feel so GET READY. It kind of feels like throw up at this point: maybe if I just get it out of my system, I will feel a little better haha. And I feel like I want to throw up all the time anyway, so if I can't REAL vomit, at least I can WORD vomit!'
I'm the funniest.
Anyways, I digress...)

The final juxtaposition in life right now is this:
About two weeks ago I had my yearly scans
(this is for this Li Fraumeni syndrome. Whether or not I currently have cancer, I will go in for scans every year, for the rest of my life. Same deal for my sweet mom. We need to sync our scans so that we can pop a Valium and make a fun mother-daughter date out of it ha!).
These were HUGE, because they were basically giving us a big picture look at how radiation worked, and also my medications, including this big clinical trial drug.

I still hesitate to even say this because I can't wrap my head around it....

My scans came back CLEAN.

My oncologist was officially able to say I am NED (no evidence of disease).
And to go from where I was a year ago to this, is just kind of shocking honestly. A miracle.
The biggest thing is it just gave us the most precious blessing: TIME. 
Which is what has been weighing so heavy on us since my surgery last year.
Going into these scans, this is where our heads were at:
Were we going to find out I still had some cancer in my lymph nodes, or somewhere else?
And if that was the case, what did that mean?
Would this cancer grow more and more resilient, and then spread?
Would I be metastatic within the next few years?
Or next five?
Would I have ten years to live?
More?
Less?
It's a terrible thought spiral to go down, and yet almost impossible not to.
Again, it's been a really, really hard place to be.

So. There you go!

If I seem less excited than you'd expect, it's because I'm still in shock, frankly. And have spent this entire last year with my head not even on the possibility of a clean scan.
I AM excited, I totally promise!
It's just gonna take me a second to adjust ha.

I will say, my mind and anxiety feels much more at ease than they have been. Everything has felt so high pressure, like YOU MUST BE TAKING THE ABSOLUTE BEST CARE OF YOURSELF BECAUSE WHAT IF THE CANCER IS STILL AROUND SO YOU MUST EAT WELL AND SLEEP AND EXERCISE AND KALE AND CELERY JUICE AND ALSO SPEND ALL THE TIME WITH YOUR KIDS AND HUSBAND AND ENJOY LIFE AND DON'T WASTE A SINGLE MOMENT BECAUSE WHAT IF YOUR SCANS ARE BAD AND YOU DON'T HAVE LONG TO LIVE?!
How's that for an internal dialogue?! Ha!
So yeah, one shift I've definitely felt since my scans is all that mental noise has quieted down. I can just relaaaaaaax a bit. Which of course, I'm so so grateful for.

So now a little info. When a cancer patient is NED, it does not necessarily mean they are cancer free. They are careful not to use the term "cancer-free" these days actually. Because of course there may be some tiny little cancer cells left over that you just can't see.
This is where I feel so grateful that I had my ovaries removed (did you know I did that? Good times. Gotta keep the fun train going and the estrogen outta here!) and to be on medications. One will likely last for the next ten years. That can do so much for any pesky little left-over cells!
I'm super super grateful for that.

Like I said, I feel like these scans gave me the biggest and best thing: TIME. 

Not a cure.
Just more time (hopefully SO SOOOOO much more time!!) before things possibly get hairy again.
(Or less hairy... because, chemo. See what I did there? lololololol I can go all day!)

And I hear you! Like "Sheesh lady, you had great scans! Can't you take a break and stop complaining for a minute?!"
Well joke's on you because that ain't happening. Yet ;)
One final thing. This is taken from an article titled "Understanding No Evidence Of Disease".

"The term "no evidence of disease" (NED) is often used with cancer when there is no physical evidence of the disease on examination or imaging tests after treatment. The term means the same thing as complete remission or complete response. NED does not, however, mean that a cancer is cured, and, with most cancers, there is a chance that the cancer could recur or relapse at a later date. Certainly, being NED, as the term is often used, is very positive, and means that the treatments used were effective, if not just temporarily. Since the recurrence of cancer, and metastases, are responsible for the majority of cancer deaths, there is currently a lot of research focusing on how to keep a cancer NED.
It's important to note that people with cancer who are NED need tremendous support. Not only do many people who have achieved a complete remission need to cope with the fear of recurrence and "survivor guilt," but late effects of cancer treatment can sometimes significantly reduce quality of life."

Those late effects of cancer treatment reducing quality of life is EXACTLY where I'm at right now. Hence the forthcoming post that's basically just about how garbage I feel haha. You've been warned.

So. I feel crappy, but I also feel so so so so grateful. 
The line from the Jack's Mannequin song has just kept going through my head,
(Fitting, since my boy Andrew is himself a cancer fighter and survivor)

"You can breathe. You can breathe now."

And truly I feel like I can. We've been holding our breaths for the last solid year, and can finally..... EXHALE.

i love you and i like you

Christian and I met ten years ago today.
Since the moment I laid eyes on him, we have been magnetized to one another. Which is funny, because I found out a few years ago that I don't even remember meeting him for the first time.

It was our ward opening social at Aspen Grove, freshman year, at BYU. My girlfriends Nicole, Kaylie and I had hopped in the back of the car of our friend Brian's car. Apparently, Christian saw the caravan of ladies and immediately got in the drivers seat. None of us have any memory of this happening, which is no surprise since the three of us spent approximately 95% of our time that year being complete idiots and loving every second of it.

(To anyone who may have definitely witnessed our antics... sorrynotsorry. That was the funnest year of my life.)

(Also a testament to mine and Christian's love is the fact that he stuck around while he had, quite literally, a front row seat to the idiocy. Little did I know, he would be an equal partner in ridiculousness, which I am convinced is a cementing factor in our relationship.)

Anyways, HE remembers thinking we were cute and a little crazy.
I remember seeing him for the first time that following Sunday.
It was our ward prayer (Oh BYU), and from across the room, I noticed a cute blond boy, wearing glasses, moccasins, and a Jimmy Eat World shirt.

That was all it took.

We were instantly friends. We bonded over a mutual love of the same music, and I helped him ask one of the three of us inseperable idiots, Kaylie, to homecoming, while Nicole and I went to the Wilk, bought foot long meatball subs, ice cream, and went to the library to study.
I am still dying laughing at the memory. Who eats a footlong meatball sub?!?!
I must have been in love already, and just not known it, to have been driven to that.

We started hanging out. He thought I made a cute grandma when that was my costume of choice for Halloween (I mean, we were OBVIOUSLY trying real hard to impress those boys!). I had no idea what his V for Vendetta/Hansel from Zoolander mashup was about, but I obviously liked it enough.
Our first picture was born.

We decided to take our religion class together the following semester. It was there that things really started to blossom.

He would always get there before me. He had an early morning custodial job that allowed him ample time in the morning. I preferred to stay in bed until the last minute, which left me frequently arriving moments before class would start.
I would later find out that he would always be so happy to watch my walk into class.
He would later find out that I still like to stay in bed until the last possible second.
He used to take my phone during class (because of course we would always sit by each other), and leave random reminders. Towards the end of the semester, I was looking through my calendar and noticed a certain reminder he had created.

It said "Christian leaves today. Last chance."

I was in the car with my girlfriends, on our way home from general conference, when I read this. Immediately I was in a frenzy. What did this mean?!
It was in that moment that I realized I liked this boy way more than I thought.
(Flash back a few months. One day my mom and I were talking, and she asked if there was one boy from my ward that I would be interested in, who? No hesitation, I answered "Christian".
Obviously, the universe was listening.)

After much pressing and prodding (re: PEER PRESSURE) from my girls, I decided to text him and address the reminder I had found.
Ahhh. 21st century romance.
I don't remember exactly how our conversation went, but one thing was clear.
We liked each other.
We REALLY liked each other.
We like, LIKE LIKED each other.

There were mere weeks left in the semester, and we ate them up. After several failed attempts at dates (a movie in the library, where a few unknowing friends awkwardly tagged along, followed by another attempt at watching a movie in the common area of my dorm, where I'm pretty sure we got busted, because COPYRIGHT LAWS!), we finally secured a romantic night together, studying for our Book of Mormon exam.
LOL.

As things go, the night was fantastic. Not only did we both later slay our exams (you CAN study and flirt at the same time!), but we ended the night by sharing yet again, our epic love of the same music. This has been a common theme in our marriage, and one that I love so, so much.

The last night that we were both in Provo was......
....well.
It was magic.

We were playing cards in my common room.
(This is all I can think to call it, even though that's absolutely NOT it's name.
I can pretend BYU is Hogwarts, right?!)
Another girl who also had a crush on him, kept trying to chase him around, literally, while they were kicking each other? I don't know, freshman are weird.

I was getting fed up with the nonsense, because I AM THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO BE A CRAZY IDIOT HERE, so we moved ourselves outside.

I bought myself an orange juice from the vending machine.
Oh how I loved that orange juice.
We sat and talked about nothing, and everything, for hours.
Things were showing no signs of slowing down, so we decided to head out on a walk. It was about midnight at this point, and as the Little Mermaid said:
"But who caaaares? No big deeeeaaal! I want moooooooorrreeee!"

We walked over literally every part of BYU.
2am.
3am.
We were now trolling the perimeter of the entire campus, and I kept thinking to myself "I wish he would just hold my hand!"
And here you thought that late hour meant nothing wholesome could be going on.
That's right!
There wasn't even hand holding, folks!
When we got to the northwestern corner, right by the Brigham Young University sign, it hit me.
"I think I love this boy."

On the final leg of our walk, the romance came to a screeching halt when I was hit in the head with a water balloon, thrown by some crazies driving past us.
I am literally laughing out loud as I type.
You can't make this stuff up.
Christian was super frustrated, like a true gentleman.
And it was about 4am at this point, so we figured we'd stop at:
"We stayed out ALMOST all night together!",
as opposed to "We stayed out ALL night together!"
Because the latter just sounds a little more scandalous, right?

The following morning, we ate breakfast together. He helped me haul a trash bag of clothes to my car. And then we said goodbye for the last time in two years, as he was preparing for his mission to Uruguay 6 weeks later.
True to ourselves, there was not even a kiss goodbye.
I left for my home in Mesa, Arizona that afternoon.

The next day, Christian was heading home himself.
Melbourne, Florida.

As we hadn't really left things "anywhere", I had no idea what to expect for the next six weeks.
Imagine my surprise when I received a phone call from HIM! At the airport! He was leaving and just wanted to say "hi."
It was a phone call that kind of changed everything.
We talked for hours, almost every day after that.
The future.
Marriage.
Everything.

About two weeks before he was slated to leave, I made the decision to cut back on communication. After all, "he needed to be focused and prepared. Not fawning over some girl."
#righteous.
(At one point during that two week period, I received flowers from him on the same day that he took another girl on a date to the temple. I also had swine flu and was completely delirious with sickness. It was an obviously weird bump that we just pretend didn't happen ha)

And then began his two year mission.
We wrote very consistently. I got a letter from him about every two months, and it was joyous every time. I dated quite a bit, but no one could measure up to the bar he had set. Very near the end of his time in Uruguay, I had a close call and was essentially engaged for a hot second.
Guess I had lost sight of that bar he set, huh?
Thankfully I skirted out of that disaster waiting to happen, and a few months later HE WAS HOME.

A few more weeks of talking on the phone, and we were finally FINALLY reunited when fall semester at BYU started.
I swore for about a month that I was going to break up with him. It was just too weird and too different (because #freshoffthemish).
The major turning point happened one Saturday when we agreed to hike Mount Timpanogos together. It was as we ascended that massive mountain, at a shockingly fast pace, breathlessly talking in the uninhibited way that nature often begets, I realized I had fallen in love with him. All over again.

And here we are. Ten amazing years later.

Serendipitously, Jimmy Eat World will be in Salt Lake City next week.
We will go, and bask in the music that brought us together.
The ground we've covered. The letters we've written, the babies we've made, the laughter we've shared, the tears we've cried, the storms we've battled, the life we keep creating.
It's been the best ten years of my life.

"No one else will have me like you do.
No one else will have me, only you."

Only you, Christian Carter.
Forever and always.

i feel it in my fingers

The urge to write has been strong lately.
Actually, it feels more like a call than an urge. The call to record things for my family, to give my children a connection to their mother, and frankly to have a creative outlet.
(When you are so financially strapped, because #medicalbills, it helps when your creative outlet is also free ha!)

I've decided for the sake of my own sanity to compartmentalize my writing. Having a public blog feels so 2009, but also so indulgent. It's annoying. But honestly, typing is a much easier way for me write now.  I've had some issues, what I thought was carpal tunnel, for about 6 years, but it's gotten so much worse since my surgery. And I don't really want to have a bunch of random word documents... which brings me here. So I have a journal where I can physically write my deepest darkest feelings (because not EVERYTHING needs to be on the internet!), a scripture journal, the memento app where I can record small family tidbits and pictures that I don't want to post to instagram, but aren't worth the effort of a blogpost, but I still want somewhere (say that ten times fast), mom's one line a day journal, my planner, and this trusty old blog where I can write longer, more involved stories and really put the effort into my writing.
Whew.
I think I've got all the bases covered! ;)

So if you're here, thanks. I've so loved the friendships I've made with people who have found my blog, or I've found theirs. As a lover of people and reading, it's the best of both worlds for me.
And if no one is here and I'm just sending my words out into the universe, then thank you universe.
I have arrived, and I am just happy to be here.
This is something I've really felt strongly about, so prepare for a deep dive, starting....
Now.

one foot in front of the other

Well! How was that for a whirlwind *almost* year? In so many ways, it flew by. And in many others, I feel like it's been ten years haha.

I just wanted to share a brief update kind of where things have been/are at for me. I sort of don't know where to start. First I just want to say much of this is therapeutic for me. I also genuinely want to share for those who are interested in what's going on. I know it has helped me a TON to learn more about people's stories as I've done this, and maybe someone will benefit from me sharing mine. Anyways.

So I guess we will just go back to when chemo finished. Mid February. I had about 6 weeks between chemo and surgery, and it was a pretty good time. My stinking body/hormones got pretty out of control real quick, which was a bummer. (Side note: breast cancer is either hormone positive or hormone negative, which basically means your hormones either fuel it, or don't play a role. Mine is hormone receptor positive, and as I've ridden that roller coaster this last year, holy crap. Hormones. Are. The. Devil.) Anyways, that isn't really relevant. I just didn't feel super because my body was working overtime to turn back on after chemo shut things off for about six months. Fun stuff.

So we were scheduled to have my surgery down in Arizona. I'm so grateful to my parents for opening their home for us to stay there while I recovered, and also weirdly grateful that my mom had great surgeons for her own surgery, because I ended up using them as well. It was a huge blessing to have done that down there. So the week before my surgery, I had about a million appointments to get my ducks in a row. One (or 5) of those were some scans to see where everything was at post-chemo. Just so my mastectomy surgeon knew what was going on. So we did those. Had my surgery. Surgery went well. They ended up having to do a full axillary dissection, which basically means they dug a bunch of crap, mostly lymph nodes, out of my armpit to see if I had any cancer left over after chemo. They removed 17 nodes, and 9 were positive with cancer still. Not great. At my post surgery follow up, we also discussed the fact that I still had positive nodes lighting up past my collar bone. Also not great. I think we were all pretty focused on the surgery recovery/etc, because the reality of what that meant didnt really catch up, to me at least, until we got back to Utah.

I was scheduled to start radiation about 6 weeks after my surgery. The week before, I went to meet with my oncologist for the first time in a while. It was a big meeting. We were going to discuss the pathology from my surgery/results of chemo/etc. While we knew that I obviously still had quite a bit of cancer sticking around, actually DISCUSSING it in a concrete meeting with the doctor felt a lot heavier.
My staging moved from 2B to 3C. Their words were ''we are disappointed with the results from chemotherapy." Not exactly what you want to hear after putting your body, family, and life through the ringer for the past 6 months.
Thankfully we still had radiation ahead, which should have done a lot to help. And I have a lot of hormone therapy, as well as several clinical trials ahead, to also help things.
And so we move forward with the next thing.

It's just a weird place to be at the "end" of treatment, you know? Like everyone feels like you should be super happy and excited. And instead we were told just a month ago that my cancer had literally gone as far as it could without being metastatic. And the fact that it didn't respond well just speaks to the nature of it: aggressive, resilient, etc. Then you add the genetic stuff to the equation, and it just feels super scary and absolutely unknown going forward. The last month has definitely been an exercise in positive psychology, to say the least. Christian and I are feeling a little better now. We are having many difficult conversations, and also doing our best to just live in the moment.
It's hard, and good.

Here's the thing.
The likelihood of a recurrence is high. The chance of it happening in the next 5 years is also high. I don't even want to think of what that could mean for us. And yet of course my head goes there. How can it not? It's a fine balance every day of being realistic, and also focusing on the positive.
Is that a potential for our future? Absolutely.
Does it mean I need to wallow and worry all day, every day? It could.
But I do NOT want to do that.
It's difficult. 
It's taking lots of therapy and coping techniques and emotion coaching and prayer and positive affirmations and deep breathing and caffeine. Hahaha. But the thing about it is, like with ANY trial, this is just the new normal. And it will get a little easier as we keep practicing and LIVING.
At least that's what my therapist keeps telling me ;)

The biggest thing I have come away with over the last month is this:
I have faith in God's plan for all of us. For myself and my family. As of now, it doesn't look like ANYTHING I would have chosen. And some day down the road, we may feel even more that way. It makes me sad and frustrated. But those feelings ease a little bit when I remember that I, that WE, are absolutely in His hands. I know more than I know anything that HE LOVES US.
So very much.
We are His children.
He WILL NOT abandon us.
He sent His Son to die for us so that we do not have to walk these lonely roads alone.
And so that we may live with the people we love for FOREVER.
I have felt His guiding hand and loving embrace so many times over the last year. I have felt the spirit whisper to me that even though so much of this doesn't make sense, SO MUCH of it, Heavenly Father is at the helm. Many days, it has taken intense digging. Deep searching. I have had to do my part, because I can't always see His outstretched hand through the noise of the world, through my worries, through the haze of mortality. But when I find it, the peace is there. And I am reminded that somehow, it will all be made right and make sense some day.
I know this to be true for all of us.
Whatever we are going through.

As the storm clouds have loomed, and thickened in some ways, I have felt more and more like a child clinging to the hand of a parent. This has all surpassed my understanding, and the more I look around at the storm, and take the focus off of Him and my Savior, the more scary it all feels. And so this is what I am *trying* to choose, every day.
I am choosing to focus on the hand that I am holding.
The hand of a loving Heavenly Father.
Because He's got this. 

who the heck are Li and Fraumeni?

So the first appointment with my oncologist was great. And really interesting.
Let's just dive right in, shall we?

At the very beginning, she was explaining how 90-95% of breast cancer is just random, can show up in anyone. The other 5-10% is genetic, which is where the BRCA1 and 2 genes come in to play. Not even going to try and explain that haha, just look it up if you want to know more.

THEN she went on to explain that there is another gene that can come in to play, TP53, which you can see with early-onset cancers. With my sister having had the cancer she did, and both my mom and I having early-onset breast cancer, the oncologist said she was thinking it was pretty likely I had this gene mutation.

Lots of jumbled medical talk ahead, but basically this: It's called Li-Fraumeni syndrome, and if you have it, it essentially means you are at HIGH risk for a lot of different cancers (brain, bone, adrenocortical, breast, colon, soft tissue sarcomas...), and the kicker is that they frequently show up in childhood and young adulthood. It works this way because of the gene mutation. TP53 is a tumor-suppressing gene, so if they are working normal, they do their job to stop abnormal cell growth. However, if you have the mutation, you essentially have a 99% lifetime risk of developing one (recurring, and often more than one) of these cancers. To put that in perspective, a woman with this gene mutation is 100 times more likely to get breast cancer than the average Jo, or Joanna should I say. Har har har.
Totally get that this might just be information overload, but here are some links if you want to read more:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Li%E2%80%93Fraumeni_syndrome
https://www.lfsassociation.org/what-is-lfs/

So that's what my oncologist said she thought was going on. So I had blood drawn that day and then we had to wait 2-3 weeks to find out if I had the mutation or not. From there, other tests could be done, including ones for the kids, which is terrifying of course.

So anyways, about a week ago, my test came back and we were told I do in fact have the mutated gene. That's a firm Li-Fraumeni diagnosis. Talk about a punch in the gut. It's kind of what we were expecting, but it's still a shocking, overwhelming, and completely life-changing thing to find out. So the kids have been tested and now we are just waiting to hear. Talk about stress upon stress.

One silver lining in all of this is that since we were already doing IVF anyways, there are genetic tests that can be done on the embryos to see which ones have the mutation and which ones don't. There is a 50/50 chance that our children would get this from me, which of course has massive implications, including for any kids we decide to have moving forward. Certainly not everyone would make that decision, but we are choosing to move forward and do so, and we feel so grateful that however our family ends up growing in the future, it can be in the safest possible way.

It's such a strange thing getting news like this. With the pervasive sadness in our world, I keep seeing lots positive messages shared on social media, which I really appreciate. I can't help but laugh when I read some of them though. Many that I have seen start with "If you and your family are happy and healthy, then you have all you need...." blah blah blah. It just makes me stop and just feel so shocked at all of this. Like, well I'm not healthy so where does that leave me? This will be something in the back of our minds for the rest of my life. And possibly for our children as well. Knowing that cancer is now, and will always and FOREVER be a huge risk for us is so so overwhelming. It's not often in life that we get a little "heads up" on our trials like this, and in some ways it's awful. It's awful feeling like "Well, we may get rid of this now, but who knows when it's going to show up again!". The whole "this isn't going to last forever" kind of applies, but also really doesn't. You know. Just kind of depressing.
More than kind of haha.

BUT.
It's also giving me the chance to really dig deep and think "Okay. This is something I KNOW I'm going to deal with for forever. And I can wallow in it, or I can do the best with what we've been given and find happiness and joy in spite of it all. And THROUGH it all."
And isn't that what all of us are trying to do anyways? This is not specific to just me or my family or our cancer problem haha. ALL OF US come up against really difficult things in life, and we can choose the attitude we have through it all. It's not easy, but it IS in our control!

More than anything, I don't want to let this define me. I DO want to let this make me more empathetic and compassionate and more intentional in the way I live my life. And yes. There have been a lot of sucky days so far, and I'm sure there will be more to come. But I really have so much faith in God and His plan for us, and somehow, I know this will all make sense one day. Until then, I'm just going to do my best and hope it's enough.

the C word

I feel like with any huge life event, good or bad, there is a lot of opportunity for growth. And wow, this is HUGE. I usually see more growth in myself when I write stuff down, so here we go. Because there's no way I'm going through this and hopefully not coming out of it a little better in the end! I hope!

So.

The beginning of my cancer journey. I keep saying this, but I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS REAL. It's just crazy.

So a little background, because we keep getting this question: how did we find this? 

So, I stopped nursing Faye back like the end of March. Once I started losing "volume" if you will, I noticed a lump pretty immediately. But of course wasn't worried because I thought, "oh it's probably just a clogged duct" or something nursing related. Because I wasn't worried, I really wasn't keeping track of size or anything. I honestly just thought it would go away. Anyways, fast forward a few months and it definitely wasn't shrinking or anything, and it had started to feel tender and such. Still wasn't feeling super worried, but I did feel like it was strange that it hadn't gone away. Just randomly one day I decided to call my OBGYN about it, seriously still not worried, and they told me they wanted an ultrasound and to schedule an appointment with a surgeon. It was at that point I thought "Oh crap. Could this actually be something?"

***A little sidenote: A lot of you may know, and many of you not, this is not the first time cancer has struck in my immediate family. My mom fought breast cancer, twice, a little over ten years ago. And we lost my sister to adrenocortical carcinoma when I was 6. This is part of the reason why this has rocked our world so hard. We all feel like "How is this POSSIBLE? How could this be happening for the third time?!" It's literally 50% of us now. It's just crazy***

So I got on the schedule at the Huntsman for an ultrasound, but it was over 2 weeks away. After everything I started reading online (I KNOW I KNOW, dr google isn't the best. But in this case, it's actually helped me a lot), I was feeling super anxious about getting in sooner. Thankfully I got rescheduled so that worked out, and on July 27, we were up at a clinic in Farmington for the ultrasound. Pretty immediately, the tech felt like something didn't look right. She could see lots of calcifications, which I've since learned can be a big indicator of cancer. The head radiologist came in and took a look, and found a lymph node that looked concerning, so right there they decided they needed to do a mammogram. Same story. Pretty immediately they could tell something was not right. They showed us the images, and we could easily see it too. It's crazy how big this mass is. It's basically the length of my entire breast, about 10cm. To put that in perspective, a stage 4 (the highest stage) tumor only has to be 5cm. CUE FREAKOUT. Because of what they could see on the mammo, they wanted to do a biopsy right then too. Huge weird needles and some strange pain in my armpit, but nothing terrible. The doctor was so kind. She kept saying "Man I really wish I could tell you I wasn't concerned about this, but I really am." I told her at the end "I'm just shocked you aren't telling me this isn't nursing related. I would have bet my life that's how this was going to go." She surprised me when she said "Even with your family history, that's absolutely what I was thinking initially too. I'm sorry that's not what's ended up happening." I'm so so grateful for those nice women. In hindsight, I'm sure they knew this was more serious than they were letting on because they were SO KIND to us. I'm forever grateful for that. 

So we left the office basically like "What the hell? Did we just discover that I have CANCER?!" The next 7 days were the absolute longest in my whole friggin life. Like WHY DO YOU HAVE TO WAIT SO LONG TO HEAR WHETHER OR NOT YOU HAVE CANCER?! My parents were so kind and drove up from Arizona to keep us company while we waited for the news. There's NO way I would have been able to survive that week if they hadn't been here. I was seriously a wreck those first few days. Couldn't hardly eat or sleep, the works. Waiting to find out if you have cancer or not is about as terrible as it sounds. And they completely saved us. Another thing I will be forever grateful for. So anyways, I think we were all just preparing ourselves for the bad news because that's really what I sounded like was coming. Which I am also grateful for, because mentally preparing for that was actually pretty helpful. 

So then I got the call that Wednesday morning, August 2. 

Yep. Cancer indeed. 

And boy did the ball start rolling then. Lots of phone calls to friends and family, and my phone started ringing like crazy with calls from the doctor getting more things scheduled. First on the docket was an appointment with my surgeon the following day. THAT APPOINTMENT WAS SO BOMB. We could really feel everyone's prayers for us that day. Our surgeon, Dr. Matsen, is fantastic. We've come to find out she's a great explainer, which is probably why we were at the hospital for literally 5 hours that day haha. We also met with a genetic counselor, all the nurses, a research.... lady.... haha, and a social worker. So many awesome people helping us out. Getting more information (staging, my likely treatment plan, tumor size, etc) was great. The unknown is absolutely the worst part of all of this.

SO.

Stage 2B ductal invasive carcinoma. Stage 2B because it's spread to the one lymph node, that they know of, and the tumor is larger than 2cm. Hormone receptor positive, meaning estrogen is especially feeding the tumor's growth. They actually want me to do chemo first, which is not what we expected. The mass is large enough, as is the lymph node, that they want to do chemo and shrink everything a little bit first so the surgery can be less invasive. Before we can start chemo however, we have to do fertility preservation, which is essentially IVF without a pregnancy at the end. So we have been doing that for about two weeks, and then we will hopefully have 2-5 embryos to freeze at the end. It's so hard to wrap me head around how much that has changed for our family the last month. Everything we've thought about how we are going to keep having children is kind of nonexistent now. Crazy. So then once we have our embryos, I can start chemo. Which shockingly, I'm actually looking forward to. Not looking forward to chemo itself, but it's been so hard feeling panicked and stressed about all of this, but pretty much every day NOTHING is happening to fix the problem. Just lots of appointments and more stress being added.

So yay for chemo haha.

And that's kind of where we are now. Thanks for bearing with me as I share all of this. It's as much a coping mechanism for me as it is a desire to stay connected. Stay tuned for some more big things. Unfortunately lots more has happened in the last few weeks, and it's just way too much to explain in this same post. 

a very Christmassy break pt.1

Can this blog just be my journal from now on? There is so much I want to write about, but it takes a lot longer to say everything with the old pen and paper! Anyways, that's basically all this post is. One big journal entry of memories for our little family, complete with sub-par phone pics haha, because the last week has been AWESOME.

From January to April, Christian's schedule is pretty insane. We learned that the hard way last year, so we went in to this break knowing that we needed to stock up on family time so that we have a well to draw from for the next 4 months haha. It's the worst, but what can you do? Anyways, we started to festivities last Friday when we went out and celebrated 5 years since getting engaged. Holy cow time flies! And yet when I look at how much has happened since then, we feel like "it's only been 5 years?" haha. We had a lot of fun together that night. We finally went to Current, a great seafood place downtown that Christian has been dying to take me since he went there for work last year. It did not disappoint! We shared a plate of mussels (it sounded horrible but they were INSANE. In the best way), and enjoyed our respective dishes: fish and chips for her, and shrimp and grits for him. It was so awesome to be at a nice restaurant with just Christian. Of course we talked about the kids (we can't help it!), but we also discussed future plans and dreams, the holidays, new family traditions and just life. I'm still just so head over heels for that man. Every time we do things like that together, it just further cements my feelings for him. We finished the night with a Target run and some last minute Christmas shopping haha. I tried so hard to have it all done but alas. Maybe next year :) All in all, it was a super fun way to start a week of having dad all to ourselves!

Gotta have the Christmas Eve jammies shot!

Christmas Eve day is a bit of a blur. I think we just cleaned a ton, did some wrapping, and prepped for our dinner that evening: the first annual Carter family Christmas Eve Fiesta! Christian made and perfected his horchata recipe, I made tacos and coconut rice and of course we had chips and salsa. Nash couldn't even handle how great that was haha. The dinner turned out great! Christian had put together a fun playlist (mostly we just listened to "Donde Esta Santa Claus" by Guster. Give it a listen! It's actually a great song, but I swear I don't think I will ever get that out of my head now haha), and even though we were all pooped by the night's end, it was super fun. After we put the kids to bed, we wrapped presents for each other and finished watching the Grinch and probably like 3 episodes of Suits haha. We can't quit that show, even with all the Christmas movies in the world at our fingertips! Then we went to bed, because next was CHRISTMAS DAAAYYY!

2016

We loved the thought of getting Christmas cards out this year, but with a new baby, family pictures was about as much as we could muster haha. Oh well, maybe next year!
For now, here's an update on things this past year. Obviously the biggest event was the arrival of little sis! But here are some little tid bits about each family member:

Christian: Man I could just gush and gush about our cute dad and my sweet husband! So I think I just might ;) Christian has been a champ this year. Between a rough pregnancy and huge adjustment to a new baby, things haven't been super easy, but he's been our rock through all of it. He's been doing amazing things at work, and receiving lots of great recognition for it. I honestly couldn't be more proud of him. He works in a very high stress, high pressure industry, and he just excels. It's a huge blessing for our family! He's also been serving in the bishopric in our ward for the last 6 months, and while it's added an extra dose of crazy to everything, it's also been a really neat experience for him. Our bishop is one in a million, and it's great to have that influence in our lives. We are feeling very grateful that the church time is changing next year and that he hopefully wont be in meetings all day anymore haha. Christian keeps us all happy and laughing, and the best time of the day is by far the second he walks in the door. Thanks for taking such great care of us dad, we love you a ton!

Brooke: Well, I grew and birthed a human. Haha! But seriously, it was so huge to get Faye here! It's been quite the experience adjusting to having two kids, but I honestly love it so much. This definitely feels like the spot our family needs to be in right now, and while it's difficult, it's so FUN being the mom to our two babies. Not much else is going on for me honestly. Just getting my head above water as we've passed the 6 month mark. Faye can go to the daycare now, so I'm finally making it back to the gym which is breathing new life into my soul :) I'm spending a little free time with my fellow mom friends, and looking forward to next year when there aren't so many huge things going on haha.

Nash: Oh this boy! He's such a sweet, fun blessing to our family. Nash has grown up so much this year. He's in the stage right now where his language is just exploding every single day. He adds "mom" to the end of everything he says: "yes mom", "no mom", "what happened mom" etc. It's the greatest. He's obsessed with Mustangs (I think we own every generation of hotwheels mustang, and then some. This is not a joke), LOVES eating clementines, talks all day long, thinks his baby Faye is the funniest thing ever, loves to be tickled, has the most amazing memory, still only calls dad "Christian", and brings so much peace to our home (usually haha). We feel so lucky to be his mom and Christian dad!

Baby Faye: Our little sissy girl, as we fondly call her. She has the sweetest disposition. She's happiest when she can be close to her mom, dad, and brother. Does NOT like being left with other people haha. Shes quick to smile but keeps her laughs to herself (so far, Nash gets the biggest giggles from her! Usually when they are in the car together). Almost sitting, eating all kinds of baby food, looking like she will have a head of strawberry hair, and making us so so happy. She's the piece to our family we didn't know we were missing,a and we love her so much!

And there you have it. This year has felt totally crazy, and very mellow all at the same time. I think that's just having young kids, right? Haha. As of now, we will be here in Salt Lake for at least another year, just loving this beautiful city we are lucky to call home. If you are ever in town, come visit! We'd love to have you over to babysit...... Er, I mean for dinner.
Yeah.
That's what I meant.
Dinner ;)

Merry Christmas from the Carters!

welcome baby Faye pt. 2

So C-sections. Not my favorite thing in the world, to be honest.
I was really glad the whole laboring process was basically non-existent. And from start to finish (like when they cut me open to when baby was pulled out), it was like, maybe 20 minutes. So that was great! But holy hell (scuse my french, but SERIOUSLY) recovery was so so brutal. Like "why is there always a lit match spanning the width of my abdomen?!" brutal. I thought I was going to die the first couple times I stood up haha. One day, I got a little behind on my pain meds and I tried to go for a walk around the maternity ward. I barely made it out of my room before I got super dizzy, and then I couldn't hear anything and I was losing my vision and my mom and a nurse were practically carrying me back to my bed hahaha. So basically anyone who knocks c-sections has noooo idea.

Anyways, they prepped me for surgery (I will always stand by my opinion that getting an IV is so much worse than a lot of the birthing process. Like, why does that hurt so bad?!), while poor Christian had to wait to be brought in from our hospital room. This part was slightly terrifying. Nothing like being wheeled into a freezing cold operating room, alone, with a ton of strangers, and lying naked on a table while a bunch of machines beep around you to make you excited to give birth! Ha! They gave me the spinal numbing stuff (was that also an epidural? Really not sure...) and then I just layed there waiting for it to take effect. It was at this point that I felt more like a literal beached whale than I had any other time during pregnancy haha. My OB came in and she and the nurses were moving my *still naked* entire lower body around and I was like "I'll just be right here! Sorry I can't move and I'm blubbery mass!" hahahaha. Oh boy. They put up the curtain and got me on oxygen and finally brought Christian in. It was a little claustrophobic to have so much going on right around my head, with him and two anesthesiologists sitting right there and the curtain up, but I was so grateful he could be in there with me. I'm certain he kept an anxiety attack at bay haha.

Then surgery! Lots of pressure and tugging tugging tugging. The crazy thing about C-sections is they have to make like 5 different incisions because of the layers of skin/fat/muscle/organs, but they don't like to cut too wide if they can avoid it. So they end up just kind of literally pulling things apart as they go (yikes. My stomach is churning just thinking about it!). Faye was kind of stuck in my right ribcage, and they actually gave me new stretch marks just pulling her out haha. But once they got her out, it was all smooth sailing! It took her a second to cry, and when she did I can honestly say I've never been more grateful. I struggled with a TON of anxiety my whole pregnancy, so of course I was just imagining worst case scenario for everything. Huge relief to hear a cry and know that she was healthy! Before she even cried she sneezed haha which is still so funny to me because she's a super sneezy baby. They cleaned her all up, got her APGAR score, etc, gave her to Christian and then I was FINALLY able to see her.

Born 2 weeks early, June 14, 2016
Fun facts: Grandparents anniversary June 13, Faye's birthday 14th, Papa Showalter's birthday 15th and uncle Austin's birthday 16th
Also, both babies were born on a Tuesday, and Nash came the week before Mother's Day, and Faye the week before Father's Day.

Heaven, heaven, heaven! Meanwhile they were stitching me back up, which was slightly traumatizing because I could smell the cauterization as they were doing it, blegh! The rest of the day is super hazy to me, because I was like completely blitzed on my pain meds hahaha. Seriously it's hysterical in retrospect. That first day, they let you control the amount you get, and every ten minutes, you can press a button to get another dose. Well I was terrified to start feeling the pain of that surgery so you can bet I had a timer set and was juicing as often as I could and MAN I could feel it hahahaha. I was so freaking tired and out of it, I couldn't talk. I think I scarred Nash for life because he was terrified to come back to the hospital after seeing me that first day. So so funny.

I was in the hospital for 6 days, and it was like a little slice of heaven. Faye brought the sweetest spirit, and every time I looked at her it felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest! So much love with such a tiny little thing! It's so wonderful having two kids. It's insanity, but in the best way. Somehow having another baby has let my heart grow so much that not only do I have room to just adore my little girl, but my love for Nash has grown a thousand percent too. I'm so grateful to be the mother of these precious children!

welcome baby Faye pt. 1

Life right now can be summarized in this one statement: it's taken me 4 months to write this blog post. Haha!
And without further ado, here is the first part of little girl's birth story!
(And probably don't hold your breath for part 2... at the rate I'm going, she'll be 16 and I'll finally have it finished lolololololol)

About a week before delivery. 

Being cool at the height of pregnancy brain and showing up at the gym in my flip flops

We found out at about 34 weeks that she was breech. How I didn't realize this before is beyond me, because her hard, round little head was in my ribs for couple months ha! For whatever reason (pregnancy exhaustion?), I didn't feel the need to try hard and flip her on my own. I think she was probably too big at this point for that to happen anyways, but you never know I guess. We scheduled an external cephalic version at the hospital at about 36 weeks to see if my doctor could flip her, and to no avail. With two adults putting their entire body weight on my stomach (it was as unpleasant as it sounds), she didn't move an INCH. This is seeming very consistent with her personality so far haha. She wants things how she wants them! So, we scheduled my C-section for June 20, a week before my original due date.

No baby flippage!

Honestly, I was worried for weeks that I wasn't going to last all the way to a scheduled C-section. Little miss was footling breech... both of her feet were RIGHT in my pelvis in a very precarious place. Nash and I were going on tons of walks, and every time we were out, I panicked a little because she'd kick so so much. It hurt like crazy, and felt like her feet were about to pop out haha. The reason why that was so concerning is that with feet-first breech babies, if you go in to labor or your water breaks, you have about ten minutes to get to the hospital or you and the baby can be in serious danger. Footling breech babies can get stuck in the birth canal very easily, or the cord can prolapse, which completely cuts off oxygen supply to the baby. So basically I was stressed out of my mind about going in to labor on my own or my water breaking. And my instincts were telling me that that was VERY close to happening. Turns out, my thinking wasn't too far off ha!

Sunday, at 37 1/2 weeks, I started having a lot of contractions. After hours of timing them, we were a little worried we'd be making a trip to the hospital that night. They weren't calming down at all! They finally subsided, but I was pretty sure my body was moving riiiight along. Thankfully my mom had followed her motherly instincts and left Arizona to come stay with us that weekend, earlier than she had originally planned. Her timing couldn't have been more perfect! The next day, I had my final appointment with the OB. Surprisingly, they weren't even going to do an exam, but I asked them to and they obliged. I will NEVER forget the nurse's reaction. She looked at me and said in a very worried voice "Have you been dilated at all?" I said "yes, but only a 2" thinking she was going to tell me I wasn't dilated at all haha. She then said "Well you're now at a 5 with a BULGING bag of waters" hahahaha. I'm sorry for the gross imagery, but that was just so funny (and shocking) to me. I was so so close to being in labor! The nurse asked when the last time was that I had eaten, said she was going to go get the doctor and told me not to drink anything and do NOT leave. Suddenly I realized this was HAPPENING. Like asap! So exciting and crazy! My dr. came back into the room and basically said "We'd really like to admit you tonight, but I'm not available to do the surgery. So we are scheduling you first thing tomorrow morning for your C-Section."

So there it was! Baby Faye was on her way! The whole rest of that day felt surreal. It's very strange with a scheduled cesarean, because you know the exact time that it's all going to happen. So different from my experience with Nash, and in a lot of ways, I really loved it. I spent the rest of that afternoon just laying down pretty much, because literally anything could have broken my water at that point haha. We went to bed that night and it felt like Christmas eve. Our 4:30am alarm was brutal, but we were so excited.... we were finally going to meet our little girl!

the final countdown

I wouldn't say that I'm incredibly sentimental, but I am a big "last" person.
"This is our last night in x location, we need to paaarty!"
"This is the last day of vacation, we must do ALL the things!"
"This is the last time we will be able to eat at our favorite restaraunt, let's order EVERYTHING!"
And so forth.

The current series of "lasts" that I'm reveling in are, of course, my final few weeks with just Nash as my sidekick. It's making me so much more sentimental than I thought it would!

(Ironically as I'm typing this, we are having it out over a truck that he thinks needs fixing, and after pretending to do so for the last ten minutes, he's NOT satisfied with my efforts. I spoke crossly, he hurled it across the room. Sooooo you win some, you lose some)

Anyways, bad attitudes aside (his and mine ha), I'm loving my time with him right now. The last few weeks, we've been going to the park almost every day. He helps me push the stroller, runs around like a maniac, and I throw the frisbee for him to chase (like a literal dog, I know. This is how you burn the crazy energy of a two year old when you're 8 months pregnant!). Around the house, he helps me vacuum and we stack blocks to his hearts content. When I can get him to sit still long enough, we will squeeze in a book and sing some primary songs, usually before bed time. He's also loving the new JT song and music video (you're welcome, son), and we jam to it a lot of the day. It's nothing huge, but even simple errands like trips to the doctor and the grocery store are made so much better by him.
Here's to hoping it all keeps going that way with a new little one around!

a first and last pregnancy update

It's high time I did a little in-depth pregnancy update, seeing as how I've only got about 5 weeks left! Yikes! I've tried to keep track of little things in my journal, but physically writing is so much slower than typing, so that's been a bit painstaking haha. Anyways, here ya go! Let's start with a super glam belly shot, shall we?

How far along? 
Almost 34 weeks! The last time I went to the doc, I told them about delivering an almost 9 lb baby a week and a half early. They were like "yeeeaaahh we probably won't let you go all the way to 40 weeks" which is so freaking awesome. I'd love to avoid induction and just let other things do the work, but we will see. Either way, baby girl will be here sooner than later and we can't wait!

Weight gain: 
I'm not really sure of an exact number because I hardly ever weigh myself. Who really needs to feel chubby and then have a number CONFIRM "yep, you're definitely chubby"? Not me haha! Since I wasn't throwing up nearly as much as I did with Nash, I didn't lose weight in the beginning. Which was good and bad, of course. I'd guess I will end having gained about 30-35 lbs. Pretty sure I'm sitting at about 27 lbs. now. Which is fine because PREGNANCY!

Sleep: 
So so crappy ha. Much worse than when I was pregnant with Nash. I actually don't mind too much because the shock of having a newborn who doesn't know how to sleep really won't be THAT shocking. I'm up 3-4 times a night right now as is!

Best moment of the week: 
Nash FINALLY acknowledged there is a baby in mom's tummy! I'm pretty sure he still doesn't know what that means, of course haha, but he talks about it now and it's super cute. He just runs a million miles an hour most of the time that I'm honestly surprised it happened at all. Knowing his little boy brain, he probably thinks it's a truck baby or something ;)

Weird pregnancy moment: 
All the rando aches and pains, everywhere below my belly. My body hurts this time around WAY more than with Nash. It's always strange to me when I feel something super painful all the sudden. I'm like "wtf there are nerves there?!". Also my hair is seriously out of control. I forgot how fast it grew and how thick it got with my first pregnancy, which was great when I had long hair. But I seriously need it cut and thinned out like every 3 weeks right now, otherwise I have a super poofy mullet ha! It's a good problem to have I guess, and it's a good thing I fiiinnnaallly found a stylist I love because I'm there like A. LOT. haha.

Movement:
All. The. Time. It used to be way more frequent when she had a little more room, but it hasn't even slowed down that much haha. Both Christian and I feel like this little girl is going to be a mover and a shaker (in more ways than one!). She's definitely proving to be that way so far. Dare I say she even moves more than I remember Nash moving? Which is a little scary because have you seen that kid? Running. Everywhere. Nonstop. I guess it's good little sister will be able to keep up!

Cravings:
Lots of sugar, but thankfully I don't feel that craving all the time. Mostly just when I get too hungry. Otherwise they'd be rolling me into the delivery room.

Queasiness?
This comes and goes, all the time, any time. This morning the taste of my cereal made me queasy! In this regard, I've felt so much worse this time around. I've definitely been much sicker through the whole pregnancy. The difference in those male and female hormones are so real, let me tell you! One more reason why I will be SO excited for baby girl's arrival.

What I'm looking forward to:
Honestly, I can't wait to NOT be pregnant. This has been such a butt kicker for me. Of course, I'm so thankful to be carrying a baby. But I've been pretty miserable this whole pregnancy and it will be awesome when it's over. That, and I can't wait for Nash and Christian to meet her. I'm pretty positive it's going to kill me with happiness.

Alright.
Since I've officially dedicated one whole post to this pregnancy, can I just have this baby now or what? Because if she is any bit as precious as her big brother, than we are in big trouble... in the best possible way!

a little trip with my little schweetie

It feels so strange to be back on this blog. My journal has been staring me in the face for months now, and as much as I'd love to physically write, carpal tunnel has been giving me hell this pregnancy. So I'm resorting to this, and typing as fast as I can before my hand stops working ha.
(Seriously though. Carpal tunnel is like the WORST.)

There have been lots of things I've wanted and intended to blog about over the last 7 months. I regret it now, because life has taken some twists and I know it would have helped me to record those thoughts. However, I really haven't been in a great place to do so (more on that...... at some point......) and so I've just avoided it haha. Last week however, Christian and I were able to take off for 2 days for a little trip together and it was the best both of us have felt in a long time. With my terrible mom/pregnancy brain, I'm already forgetting a lot of what we did and it was such a sweet trip that I know I'd regret that forever. So I just wanted to take the time and record it all, boring details and everything. More for the sake of he and I than anyone else. Because let's be real, does anyone even check this dusty ol' blog anymore?

Anyways. Word vomit. Now for the fun part :)

In celebration of our 4 year anniversary, a little babymoon, and (almost) surviving this pregnancy together, we took off and went to the Fairmont Princess in Scottsdale for a few days. It was so wonderful! Our first day started with lunch at Tia Rosas, our fav little Mexican joint in Arizona. I love going to lunch with Christian. We go out to dinner for most of our date nights, so that's lost its novelty in some ways. Lunch is just fun and special time in the middle of the day that we don't normally have together, and that was such a fun way to start things off. Afterwards, we went and walked around Chandler mall together. Purchased a bath bomb at Lush, sampled a bunch of oil and vinegars... cool stuff haha. Then we drove to the hotel, and I'm pretty sure I made Christian listen to summer hits of the 90's with me the whole way, which he definitely loved ;)

The hotel was so freaking beautiful. Huge grounds with lots of gorgeous vegetation, so much so that it felt more like a tropical resort more than desert. We were upgraded to a casita when we got there, which was a fun little surprise. They were tucked away at the back of the hotel with their own little pool and everything. Our room and bathroom were huge! Not that we needed it, but it's always nice to have more space :) We hung out in our room for a little while, and then hit the town like the wild children we are (except not! haha!). We were staying pretty close to the hotel we were in right after we got married, so we ventured down to that area and window shopped a bit before dinner. It was really fun to reminisce about our wedding day and the few days that followed. We ended up eating dinner at the exact same place we ate when we were there before too, AND were sat in the exact same spot outside. Not the biggest deal, but I'm such a sucker for sentiment, and it made me (us) super happy. A lot has changed in the last 4 years. For starters, we were able to get two whole meals instead of just sharing one haha. Those were some poor, humble days! We were feeling extra healthy and adventurous, and ordered some kale-aid..... which was disgusting, in my humble opinion. Christian, ever the gentleman, finished mine and felt very energized for the rest of the night haha. It wasn't super late at this point, but super tired pregnant lady can't handle much these days, so we headed back to the casita. After indulging in the BEST bubble bath (I hate that our apartment only has a shower!), we watched a little Stephen Colbert and went to bed. Romance, people!

The next day was awesome. We were able to sleep in a little longer than normal (which was only about 8am, but still!) and went to the yummiest little cafe for a late breakfast. After we finished, we hurried back for a little R&R by the pool. We heard it was beautiful, and they weren't lying! I think we were lucky with the dates we went too, because it was relatively peaceful and quiet, which was AWESOME. I loved this part of the trip. Getting to just sit and chat with Christian, read a little, people watch, float around in the pool without my back or hips aching.... paradise, let me tell you. And if the drinks hadn't been $10 bucks a pop?! THAT would have been absolute perfection ;)

After a few hours at the pool, we headed back to our room (house?) to clean up for dinner. This is another mark of a good vacation: not showering until 4 in the afternoon ha! We drove about 30 minutes to another favorite place of ours, trusty ol' Shake Shack. We ate at this place in New York, many many times in DC, and in both Miami and Boca with our families when they were still east coasters. It's not so much that the food is amaze-balls (although, it is pretty darn good). But it holds a lot of fun memories for us. I'm so glad there's one in Arizona now! While we were at dinner, we started tackling our massive list of baby girl names, and actually made so much progress! It's so fun planning for the arrival of little miss. Christian is especially excited, and it makes my heart burst. We did a little more shopping, and ended up in Baby Gap (which is another very standard occurrence haha. Can't keep us away!). We picked out a few things on sale for both kiddos, and laughed the whole time. It's so fun doing things like that together. After getting back to the hotel, we ended up out by the pool again, and we were the only ones there! It was perfect. Swimming at night in the dry Arizona heat is one of my favorite things, and it was all the more fun with Christian. We talked about more baby names, dug around on the internet for background information, and narrowed it down to the last 4 names we like the most! (Our approach now is getting the opinions of each of our families, because we honestly like all names equally! It's been fun to hear everyone weigh in and we are definitely getting closer!). After the pool, we indulged in another bubble bath (can't stop!), watched Diners, Drive In's and Dives (also can't stop with the dumb tv haha) and called it a night.

The last morning was a little more rushed, but still so fun to just have Christian to myself. We got ready pretty promptly and walked around the grounds to take some pictures. Self timers are embarrassing, but so so handy haha. On our drive back to my parents house, we stopped at Sprinkles for some cupcakes, another favorite of ours. I couldn't even begin to tell you how many times we went there while we lived in DC, which is pretty gross haha. I was feeling very anxious and excited to see Nash again, so we hurried more than we probably should have. It's hard for me to balance between mama bear and passionate wife, but I'm working on it ;) I'm so thankful for a heaven-sent mother who was willing to watch our little crazy so we could go have that time together! It was the best marriage therapy, and exactly what we needed after a very grueling period of time for our little fam.

And this guy. Oh this guy!!!! It's really cool to watch our relationship keep changing and growing each passing year. While a big part of me pines for our newlywed days, when it was just the two of us, we were obsessed with each other, and had SO much more time together.... it's pretty amazing to be walking through each phase of life together. Building a career, raising a family, healing through heartbreak and pain, working through finances, aligning our goals, serving, playing, crying, laughing.... we are a team through it all. And while life can (and has been) one big suck fest a lot of the time, Christian has taught me a few things that I will forever cherish: First, it's so important to cling to the ones you love. He is so wonderful about wanting to set aside our differences and just work through problems TOGETHER. He never retreats, never gets mad at me for feeling a certain way, never raises his voice, and never lets things sit uncomfortably between us for too long. It's hard for me to deal with sometimes, but I always appreciate his desires for us to love each other through the crap instead of running away. He's also the best about finding ways to laugh, and making ME laugh, when things are tough. It was the first thing I noticed and loved about him, and I love it even more now because it has saved me so many times. He's not perfect and he drives me crazy sometimes, but he's perfect FOR ME and I honestly couldn't have married someone better. Since you will probably be the only one who reads this (haha!), I love you my darling husband! Thank you for whisking me away and celebrating the life we are creating together. It's really messy a lot of the time, but it's also a dream. And there isn't anyone I'd rather share it with. Love you forever!

adventures with airbnb

Good thing I'm such a good blogger! It's whatever ha.

Nash is like "wtf guys"

So when we went to Yellowstone back in July, we decided that our cheapest option would be non-hotel. Which left us with camping (with a one year old, no thank you!), or something like airbnb/vrbo (so many acronyms!). Airbnb it was! Our first night we stayed in Rexburg, and it was great. Except for the large collection of stuffed animals, it seemed like your run-of-the-mill basement apartment.

Enter our second night in Gardiner, Montana.

Alright, so going into this, we knew it had the potential to be uncomfortable. It was a single room in this family home, and it was um... friendly. Like share the kitchen all together friendly. I knew we would be in and out quick, so I honestly didn't care. I was definitely second guessing myself upon our arrival, however.

Out walks our host *Edgar, and I know we are in for an adventure. He's a snaggly tooth feller, absolutely reeking of cigarettes. He welcomes us, and proceeds to show us to our room, which coincidentally was right next to the room that their newborn daughter was sleeping in. Oy. I don't think he was too pleased to see Nash with us, because after Christian went out to the car to get the rest of our stuff, I heard Edgar say to his mother in law: "And they have a one year old."

Her response: "OH NO."

Feeling right at home!
And speaking of mother in laws, theirs lived with them. Also she was Bulgarian, and spoke almost no English. It wasn't hard to interpret her feelings about Nash being there with us however. Eyes are the window to the soul after all, and her soul was full of daggers and other sharp things each time I looked at her and attempted a feeble smile. Double oy. Also, the house still smells terribly like a casino.

So by this time, it's about 7:45pm and Nash has gone literally all day without a nap. We proceeded to put him down, our plan being as soon as he fell asleep, we could just go hang out in our car and read for an hour or so, and then we'd head to bed as well (since we were all sleeping in the same room). I don't know guys, really shooting from the hip in that situation! So of course Nash took a bit to calm down and stop jabbering enough to fall asleep. I didn't feel comfortable leaving him inside while he was awake and being "loud", so we literally just SAT IN THE HALLWAY pretending not to watch the SNL episode Edgar had playing, while he awkwardly ignored us. This would have been fine and good, had we not been sitting only about 50 feet from him.

I'm still dying that we did this. Seriously, laugh-crying emoji for days.

After 20 excruciating minutes of whisper-talking and trying to avoid making eye contact with Edgar, Nash was finally asleep and we felt comfortable going and sitting in the car (which was only a marginally less weird thing to do than sitting in the hallway, at this point.). THEN another family shows up, Asian of course, and we were like "WTF are we now sharing a bathroom with another family?!". Thankfully no. This casino house was just steadily turning in to a hotel. Because every good casino is also a hotel of course!

So after retardedly sitting in the car for about a half hour, we decided to be productive and fill up with gas and get ice for our cooler, lest we dawdle in Gardiner Montana any longer in the morning than we have to. I force Christian to be the errand-runner, as the ever pushy wife,while I head back in to casino de la Edgar and proceed to get ready for bed. Their newborn is still sleeping, as is Nash, so I'm tiptoeing and trying to go as fast as possible without being seen, because Edgar is still watching SNL and in eyesight of everything I'm doing. Nothing like letting a stranger see you run around IN HIS HOUSE in your pajamas, am I right?!

About 15 minutes later, I get a call from Christian. He has locked his keys in the car, because of course he has! So he's currently trying to find his was back to casino de la Edgar (FOLLOW YOUR NOSE, HONEY!), while I sit in silence in our dark room (lest I wake Nash) trying not to move (lest I sweat to death because again, no AC!) and wait for Christian to tell me to come outside and give him the keys. This is approximately the 18th time we've gone in and out the front door, and I now have flesh wounds all over my body from the shade Bulgarian mother-in-law is throwing with her dagger eyes. At this point, that is the least of my worries. I'm pretty sure I'm going to die of heat exhaustion and second hand smoke any minute.

ONE HOUR LATER Christian finally returned, lucky to find me alive and not drowning in a pool of my own sweat. I have been sitting in dark silence in the room by myself this whole time, and I've never been so happy to see another human. This is only a slight exaggeration. Except by the time Christian actually climbs into bed with me, I'm practically building a fort of pillows around myself lest our skin make any contact as we slowly burn to death... I mean, drift off to sleep.

The morning went much more smoothly. Bright and early wake-up call, silent showers, sneaking out unseen.... we were basically spies. Honestly the whole experience didn't seem terrible as it was happening, just super funny honestly. It's definitely something to laugh about in hindsight. And laugh and laugh and laugh we do.

surviving (and thriving!) in the first year of parenthood

Becoming a mom has simultaneously been one of the most difficult and most fun things I've ever done. Isn't it funny how all the best things in life seem to work that way? And yes, parenting is no exception. I'm certainly not an expert mom, and I'm sure when the rest of our kids come along my world will be completely rocked again. BUT I've learned a lot this last year or so! We've done a lot of things that worked (binkys!), and a lot of things that totally didn't. Like teaching your baby that he has to be rocked to sleep for every single nap and bedtime otherwise forget sleeping, suckas! Oy. Here are some of the best things I learned that helped Christian and I survive, and ultimately thrive, in our first year as parents.

+ Don't read as much as you think you should
This is certainly not for everyone, but I'm going to be real and admit that I didn't read a single pregnancy or baby book before I had Nash, and since then I've only listened to HALF of one. Im ridiculous, I know. I did learn something very valuable in this though. You will have instincts as a parent, and especially as a mother. Even though you've never done it before, you will come to know your baby very quickly! Trust yourself, and don't turn to the books or internet for every little question or worry. First, it will make you second guess your instincts. Second, it will very likely worry you more than necessary, and no one needs more worry on top of having a new baby!

+ GO ON DATES WITHOUT THE BABY PERIOD END OF STORY I BEG YOU
This one has been HUGE for us, which is why I yell-typed it at you. I've said this before, but we were terrible about going out without Nash for about 11 months. We went on maybe 6 dates just by ourselves in that time period. Yikes. It got especially hard when we moved to Salt Lake, because we left all our siblings who were close and willing to help. I started losing my mind over this a few months ago, especially when I saw our relationship was suffering because of this, so I tracked down a couple teenagers in our area who I love (um, not an easy feat, let me tell you), and we've been going out every Friday night since. It is the best thing ever. I've found that it helps to have the date planned at the beginning of the week, so you can look forward to specifics everyday leading up to it, ie. "I can't wait to go see this movie with you on Friday" etc. Your relationship NEEDS to be taken care of when you have a new baby, and this is a vital step in doing that. And on that note........ make time for sex! Seriously! Just do it. (har har). I could go on about this, but at the risk of getting weird.... I won't. Seriously, just do it.

+ Have a sense of humor
At some point, you will be covered in poop, pee, spit up, AND boogers all at the same time. And it will probably be mingled with your own blood, sweat and tears. Parenting is a serious job, but it doesn't mean you can't laugh about it sometimes. You should! Through all the sleep-deprived delirium, the nonsense of changing yet another diaper, the mess of toys and onesies and books and burp cloths, you just gotta laugh. Parenting is serious, but it's also fun and amazing and should be treated as such. I mean look at your baby! They're so cute and tiny and wonderful and hilarious!

+ Remember that it takes a village 
Don't be afraid to ask for help. This is one I've struggled with, but I know it's true. Some of you may live close to family, and it's so important to take advantage of that! Spend time with your parents, your siblings, your friends, whomever it may be. Ask for help! Don't feel silly if you have questions. If you need medication for more serious issues, talk to someone about it! Parenting was never meant to be done completely solo, and you will benefit so much from spending time with people you love, and reaching out when you need help. We don't have many close friends and we don't live near a ton of family, so I can speak from the other side. If you DO have these people close by, use them! I promise, they want to be there for you. 

+ Take time for yourself, and DON'T feel bad about it!
It's so important to take care of yourself as you are making this huge adjustment to parenthood. If you aren't happy and functioning well, it's almost impossible for your baby or spouse to. For me, this was exercise and cooking. I love going to the gym, and in order to feel my happiest, I had to take that hour at least 4 times a week to exercise. Additionally, even though it was a pain to cook a meal every single night (yes! I did that! While we were in school and working full time!), it was so theraputic for me. Maybe for you it's photography, or watching a favorite show, bike rides, or regularly spending time with friends. Whatever it is, find it and make time for it, even if it's just an hour a week. 

+ Communicate, communicate, communicate
 Man we saw the good and bad sides of this! I'm sure not every couple is like this, but we've found that we needed to regularly check in on our relationship and talk about how we were doing. Talk about how you're feeling as a new parent. About your job. About your relationship. Ask questions like: Are we spending enough quality time together? Are we working on the things that matter most? How am I doing as a parent? How can I help you? These conversations have been so important for us over the last year, and when we ignored them or went a long time without discussing them, we felt it big time. Having a baby is a big adjustment, and it's easy to fall into your patterns and habits and suddenly, youve stopped communicating with your spouse. Don't let that happen! Remember you will feel happier and function better as a parent when your relationship is in a good place.

+ Have a schedule
This is another thing that may not work for everyone, but it helped us so much. Not everything will always be in your control, of course. BUT you can feed your baby and put him down at the same time every day, as often as possible. I'm of the opinion that even though babies are little, they are still people. And people tend to function well with a routine. We still do this, actually. It's hard to feel tied to the house sometimes, but sleep deprivation wreaks so much havoc. For us, having a schedule with Nash has helped him be a pretty good sleeper since day 1. This has been so good for him! And avoiding the crazy exhaustion as much as possible has been a HUGE help for me especially. If you are interested in doing this for your baby, I used the schedules from this website.

+ Shake up the routine
Alright, so this absolutely contradicts with my last point, but it's important too! Like I mentioned, it's really easy to fall into the routine of naps and feedings and baths and cleaning and diaper changes. It didn't bother me most of the time, because I'm a total sucker for schedules like that, obviously. And it's fun to just spend time with your little one doing those simple things! HOWEVER, there were some days when I started to feel a little stir crazy, and all it took were simple things like going out to dinner in the middle of the week instead of the weekend. A spontaneous walk. Lunch with a friend. Just do something a little out of the ordinary here and there to keep things exciting. Thankfully, when you've got a little one, it really doesn't take much :)

+ And above all.... Just reeellllaaaxxx
I'm actually amazed that this is something I learned because I didn't think I'd be capable of it AT. ALL. I'm a huge planner. I like to feel like things are in my control. All I have to say in regards to that and having a new baby is HA. HA. HA. You will no longer have control over a lot of things in life, and the second you start to get all wound up about stuff, it all goes majorly downhill. I will never forget an especially poignant example of this: About 3 weeks after I had Nash, Christian was starting an internship. My mom had just left, and I was going to be majorly on my own. 13+ hours a day with a brand new baby. Christian was also stressed to the nines about this job; a lot was riding on his performance, and our nerves were both frayed at the thought. Things had been going really well until the night before this internship started, and then WHOA did the fit hit the shan. I don't remember all the specifics (thankfully!), but Nash slept terribly, which led to both Christian and I being up a large part of the night. I think we might have had an argument in there too (probably), and it's most likely I was crying at some point ha! The stress and the lack of sleep were just too much, and it was definitely the roughest night we had there at the beginning. I remember at one point I was sitting in the dark living room holding Nash for like the 12th time, probably only in my skivvies with spit up down my front, and the thought came to me so clearly: "Nash has had a rough night because we've been so stressed. He could feel it. We need to relax, and it will all be okay." I just KNEW that was what had happened, and let me tell you, I've seen it time and time again in the last year. I think Nash is especially sensitive to our emotions, and not every baby is like that, but they certainly feel it when a lot is going on for mom and dad. Now, you can't control everything. Life will get stressful sometimes. But if you can try your best to just relax and relinquish control where you can, I promise it will help so much!

You guys, being a parent is amazing. It's so fun. It's hard. It stretches you and shows you your strengths and weaknesses and everything in between. And gosh you will love your little baby more than you thought possible. There are so many amazing days, but there are a lot of hard days too. And hopefully some of the things I've had to learn over the last year aren't just for my own benefit, although heavens knows I need all the help I can get!