the literal worst things that can ever happen to you

- When you are on stage in front of your entire high school,
and in a moment of loosing your cool (and control over your bladder) during a laugh attack,
you are suddenly peeing your pants.
And guess what.
The whole school knows it. 

- Not being able to rub your eyes because you have tarantulas growing out of your lids, 

also known as eyelash extensions. 

And then one day, ripping them out in a moment of frustration, and suddenly looking and feeling like this
eye-lash-less aye aye:

AHHHHHHHHH!

- When you are in elementary school student council and you have to say the pledge over the intercom, 

but instead of starting with "I pledge allegiance..."

you start with "Dear Heavenly Father..."

- When you are running on the treadmill at the gym, and you get distracted by your awesomeness and suddenly trip and fall off the back. 

And then you go and hide in the bathroom because HEY! That makes everything better! 

- Having a dream that you have to pee really bad, and right as you are about to relieve yourself on the dreamland toilet, you wake up and realize you are this close to wetting the bed. 

Also if this happens when you are 20+ years old. 

- When you are at a schmancy broadway show, and you are walking down the stairs feeling really schmancy.

And all the sudden you plummet, head first down those stairs.

And before you know it, the whole theater is witnessing you eat it and

while simultaneously seeing your granny panties because oh hey!

That skirt that is supposed to stay around your legs?

Yeah, well it's up to your ears.

- When you get a piece of gum stuck to your bare bottom.
And then realize that you've been sitting on it all. day. long.
Thus, it is SO beyond stuck that your spouse has to cut it off for you.

- When you are doing yoga with your dad, 

and he literally cannot stop farting. 

AND he thinks you don't notice.
But you totally do.
And so does your nose. 

- When you are walking down some very slippery stairs,

and you snarkily tell your friends "be careful, don't fall!"

And then 2 seconds later, you are the one practically breaking all the bones in your body, gracefully rolling down 12 marble stairs.

All the while being photographed by Asian tourists.  

- When you have a milk chugging contest with your friends and instead of winning, 

you poop your pants. 
Inside your friends house.
On your friends carpet. 

Anyways, hope you are lucky enough to never experience any of these.

But if you are, 

please feel free to share them with me and give me a good laugh.


** Also, these are not purely incidents from my life. 
THANK HEAVENS
This is a compilation of stories from some of my dearest friends as well. 
Who, for their safety and other obvious reasons, shall remain mostly anonymous 
Except for my dear husband, whom we all know did in fact get a piece of gum stuck to his rear end ha! **