Disclaimer: My thoughts in this post are far from cohesive. It's just stuff I've been thinking about for a while, and today's the day I'm discussing it. So if I seem like a crazy rambling lady, well..... it's because I am! ;)
Does anyone feel like maintaining solid friendships in your 20's is like.... really hard?
I recently experienced a falling out with a friend who I've known for about 2 1/2 years. Granted it was a strained friendship to begin with for a lot of reasons, but she said some things to me a while ago that really made me think. And now I've got questions that I'm just sort of having a hard time grappling with.
I feel like I've tried really hard to balance my friendships over the years, but man it's really tough sometimes. I've moved around a lot my whole life, and that hasn't changed even in college. And after Christian and I got married, we've moved around even more. In the almost 2 years we've been married, we've lived in 5 different cities, in 4 different states.
Like..... AH.
Being transient makes things hard.
Admittedly, I can and do go a long time without talking to or seeing a lot of my close friends. I feel like that's okay, because in reality that's the same boat that a lot of them are in.... with the moving a lot, or getting a new job, or being married, or graduating, or having babies or all of the above... you get the idea.
I guess I'm just wondering what the rest of my 20 something friends are doing.
And how you guys feel about this subject.
How are you supposed to maintain close friendships during your ever-changing 20's?
And once you get married? Not to sound like "oh I'm married so I can't have any friends because I'm so obsessed with my husband", because that's not how I feel in the slightest. However, I DO feel like Christian and I are so pressed for time these days that my priority needs to be our relationship. Does this get easier when you are done with school? What about when you have a baby? I feel like life will just keep getting busier and busier and how do you balance friendships with all of it? I desperately want that, but I feel like it's so hard, especially because on top of everything, you/we/people our age, are always faced with moving at least once a year or something like that. I'm a making a mountain out of a molehill here?
Also on a related but sort of unrelated note.... what is the line between loving someone, and being a compassionate caring friend, and giving too much of yourself? This is really hard for me because I feel like I automatically try to give too much, and end up sacrificing and exhausting my mental/emotional capabilities, and taking important energy away from my family and so on. I just don't know where to draw the line between giving, and giving too much I guess.
And then I'm struck with the thought that I deserve good friends who uplift and inspire me (don't we all deserve that?!). So shouldn't I be spending the time to carefully sift through friends during these transient years and pick the ones that I love and want to have around forever?
And I also don't have to make everyone happy, and not everyone has to like me (a hard pill to swallow for this people-pleaser!).
So why do I spend so much time fretting over things like this?
I have a lot more I could say about this all.
(And a lot more that I've typed out and then deleted ha)
But I'm worried this could turn into a word vomity, overly saturated post.... if it isn't already there ha! I guess I'm just interested to know everyone's take on friendships at this point in life.
I love you all and I'd love to hear what you think.
12 comments:
Making friends has always been super hard for me. I love a lot of people that I met in college, and I regularly text 3 ppl. I try to really only read the blogs of those I care about (hey! you're included!). Let me start over. It's easy to make friends when you have roommates, classmates, work-mates. Super easy. You're around them all the time; you're friends. Getting married takes roommates out of that. So you really only keep in contact with the ones you absolutely loved. Graduating takes classmates out of that. So still, it's basically besties that you text or see around and work ppl. Having a baby and staying home takes even those away! You're left with only the few you super care about and then ward acquaintances. And then you move away and it's the hardest. Matt is my center friend. The second circle after him is old besties who I would feel free to call and sob on the phone with and who I plan to specifically visit on vacations. Then there are friends from the ward. But those are so so so so so hard to make for whatever reason. Even when you're all stay at home moms! Eventually some of these will become besties (geesh I hope). Then old childhood friends that you see when you visit home. Then highschool friends that you e-mail, write letters to, send cards to, sometimes. Circles of friends. That's my friend situation. I wish so badly that I had a really good friend in my ward. I try, but then you have to like double date and make sure the hubs get along. Not so easy when your hubs doesn't like sports or many video games... Goodness, I miss my college friends so much. PS I will be in Utah the same time Nicole will be. I hope to see you and your babe. (baby, not Christian -geesh)
I've had similar feelings since I got married. I'm jealous of high school friends that all went to college together and lived together post college and are still super close - it's just so hard to do when you move a lot and when you are starting a family!
The only help I can give - find moms that want to get together and do things and won't flake out on you! Moms can be so flakey - for good reason (sick kids, teething, nap schedules, etc). But some moms really make the effort to have friendships and you'll know. I've only be able to find 3 or 4 moms like this and hey are precious! Don't lose them!
as you can imagine. i love this on a lot of different levels.
i'm not married, obviously. but. i can relate. and i just think you summed it all up so perfectly. the transience of this age. i've thought of this often lately. and i agree with you. i don't think it makes you a bad person. when life is so busy, your marriage and family should very well come first. but that's also what makes it hard.
everything ever-changing. knowing things will probably end soon anyway or you'll move. i don't know what the answer is yet.
what i'm trying to say is: AMEN.
you are. just. wonderful, brooke.
word girl. i really identified with a bunch of lana's comment from above, that girl has wisdom. casey and i only keep track of a handful of college friends. it's just that when you're in undergrad everyone is SO busy, school work, church, newly married, tests, it's like it never ends. for us though, now in dental school, the situation is LOADS different, this is where we've formed our BEST FRIENDS. Our life time married couple friends that we talk about going on trips with when we're out of dental school. The boys are so busy with school that the women just depend on each other so much, we've totally turned into each other's family since we have none around. It does help A TON that we all live on the same street, it's so easy to be super close friends like that. And yes, moms can be busy of flakey for different reasons but since we live so close to each other we can kinda finagle our way around those things. So for us, yes, once I was out of school and my surrounding friends were too, it was much easier to form better friendships.
oh and about giving too much of yourself. that's not my problem, ha. i'm all about tme. if it's too much effort, i'm out. but on the other hand you can still make really great memories with friends with little effort involved.
good luck darling ;)
Wow, it is so nice to know it is not just me over here, feeling like I can't keep a friend from high school or college. IT IS HARD! I've thought a lot about this... So I feel like with all the new technology... Texts, email, blogs, Facebook, what have you... The expectations for friendship have soared. My parents have friends from high school that they send Christmas cards to every year, and they are still friends. But, now, it seems like if you aren't texting and checking up with people regularly, at least for girls (Sam doesn't seem to have this difficulty) then you aren't friends anymore. It stinks! Especially when your priorities shift to your husband, and then little ones ( as they should!)
So, after all that, I guess what I am saying is... Keeping up with your friends can be super difficult. But, I wouldn't feel super bad. There is only so much we can do with our energy! I've tried now to shift to where I am at currently. You bless lives as our reach out and embrace new friends! I have a great friend in my ward who has a daughter and we go walking together... We realize our schedules change and we are busy and flakly... But it is okay! We still make the effort! Good luck, Brooke. It really is hard. And I second what has been said above... You are so wonderful. :)
Oh and one more thing... Honestly for me, it really has come to family. My mom, sisters, and sister in laws, are really my always steady good friends. There are probably a handful of others... But family is really where it is at :)
I haven't stopped thinking about this post since you posted. This has been on my mind too. And then hearing that YOU are experiencing this really made me feel validated. Especially since you are one of the most caring and genuine and kind people I know, and I tripped head over heels when I became your friend. I value you so much, and this made me want to be even closer to you. But I just came here to say that I have been thinking about this, and I have so much more to say. And now I even want to write a post of my own because I've been struggling with this. Anyone, you'll hear from me soon. I truly truly adore you. Seriously, you are THE example of a true friend.
Oh Brooke, how truly inspired is the lords hand in our daily lives. I have recently been contemplating this topic myself, and have come to the realization of a few things. If you want to maintain friendships, you have to put in the work. If its just one sided then you need to evaluate the friendship and weigh the options of if you want to continue down the path you are going on. I have had the experience of these tests and trials over the last 2 years since i moved home from Utah. Sadly i have had to make this difficult decision many times, and it doesn't get any easier. I have had to evaluate the people that i want to be apart of my life, wether its on a daily basis or weekly or monthly or not at all. Friendships are a truly wonderful thing, and i am so lucky to have 2 best friends in my life. 2 people that no matter what, i can lean on or talk to or just send a text and they are always there, available to me even if its just for a brief moment. You are such an example to me of what a friend should be. I admire you on so many different levels, and wish we were closer. You are an amazing daughter of our Heavenly Father and i know that you will bring such a joy and a light into the life of your little one. Thanks for all you did for me, while i was in Utah, You truly made a difference in my life.
Love you Girl!!!
Oh my goodness. Where do I even begin? I have always been an incredibly social person in high school and college. I always, to be honest, had a lot of friends. But since I graduated college, starting working, and got married, it is sooo hard to maintain friendships with my girls. They live a minimum of 15 miles away (my close friends), which doesn't sound like a lot, but it's not exactly the type where I can just stop by for a few minutes. And life gets way more crazy. It's sad, but I have to work incredibly hard to even stay somewhat in contact with my friends. So, yes. I understand. It'll be okay. I promise. Haha. :)
I think you just wrote down everything I have been thinking about friends. We made friends so easily at BYU, but when we got married it did seem a lot harder. We had a lot of married friends and slowly they started moving out before we did.
When we moved to Georgia, I assumed we'd make friends fast, but I realized I don't have a lot in common or I come across as being too intense? I'm not sure. We lived here for over a year before I felt like I was making friends or even people I feel like I could text without feeling awkward.
I have found the more time I spend on myself (and my hobbies) the more people seem to be attracted to wanting to be friends with me. People want to spend time with people that have a good concept of themselves. I still feel a little insecure about the friend thing, but it has made things a lot better for me.
Part 1
I'm sorry Brooke. I'm sorry for being the reason or at least ONE of the reasons for your stress. I gave as much of me as I possibly could during that time. Unfortunately, you met me under difficult circumstances and you are right, our friendship started off strained. I was struggling more than ever before in my life and you happened to offer your hand to me, reaching out to help me. I trusted you right away and you really did do so much for me...I am grateful for everything you did...you are one of the people who helped me the most to get through school...and I know that what I had to give to you, was light years behind what you offered to me and I am so so sorry for that. You helped me so so much the whole time you allowed me to be a part of your life. 2 1/2 years is a long time to be emotionally overwhelmed and mentally burdened by me. I am so so sorry that I was not able to be a positive presence in your life. I thought that I had asked you to tell me if I was ever burdening you and I thought I had said that I would do whatever I could to help ease the burden that was brought on my me. I just trusted that you would tell me when I was burdening you. Or that you would tell me when I overwhelmed you...but you never outright said that I was doing those things. I guess I never realized just how much I was affecting you negatively...I am so sorry. Everything that all your friends mentioned above, about you, are 100% correct and I guess I was clinging on and trying so hard to remain your friend because you helped me so much. You taught me so much, you helped me spiritually, mentally and your positivity was helping me (so much) to keep my head above the water. You are right, you did give a lot of yourself to me, and maybe even too much....but I want you to know that even though it wasn't as much....I WAS giving you as much of me as I could. I am so sorry that it wasn't enough and because of that it made the friendship too one sided and I am so sorry for overwhelming you emotionally and mentally. That was and still would, definitely NOT be my intention. I was never trying to hurt you....but I guess by me needing your positivity and light in my life...I was more like a leech than a friend and I will forever be sorry for that. Anyway, I just wanted to come on here and say that reading this blog post that was written on here for the world to see, really stung. I wish that we could have had a real conversation about all of this rather than through text messages and emails and then finding out things I never knew you thought about me, by reading this post. I'm sorry that I was not the kind of friend you needed...I honestly tried and gave as much as I could, of myself, to being your friend. I know I asked you several times that if there was ever anything I could do for you, all you needed to do was ask and I would give it to you. It was really hard for me to know what to do for you because I was and still am single and so I didn't have anyone to talk to and work through problems with....That is really why I needed to be your friend. You helped me so so much. I tried to give you support as much as I could...but I think you being married and you already having Christian as the person you worked through problems with, or talked to about issues...it was hard for me to know what I could offer you. So, I just tried to do nice things for you. Like bringing you a jamba juice when you were craving cold things...
Part 2 (Or continued from part 1)
Or when I drove up to campus on multiple occasions just so I could see you for 10-20 minutes in the stairwell where you worked...I ran errands with you because you were so swamped with everything and the only time you could spare was when you went to the store. I was happy just to see you that much. I didn't expect you to be able to give me more time than that....I guess it was just tricky because of me trying to text you to communicate with you because there was no other way...and then me over-analyzing why you didn't answer the texts I sent sometimes. I never expected or needed you to be perfect...I guess I just wanted to be your friend and be around you in your presence as much as possible because I needed your unfailing positivity, your unwavering testimony, and your Christ-like example in my life. I looked up to you so so much. I just wanted to be around you because your example always made me want to and have the drive to better myself in all sorts of ways. Anyway, I am sincerely sorry that I could not be a better friend to you. I do want you to know though....that I tried to be the best I could be. I know I fell short most of the time....but I promise you, I was trying. I'm sorry that you felt our friendship turned out to be so one-sided. I really am genuinely sorry. It was never my intention to be a burden to you....I just wanted to be able to talk to you.... I wish so much that I could be one of the people that you would choose to keep around you for the rest of your life...like some of the comments said above. I know now that unfortunately, I did not earn a spot with you and I guess I only have myself to blame. I know that you had to severe ties with me because I didn't make you happy and it seems that not only that, but I in fact made you less happy. For that I am sincerely sorry. I wish beyond everything, that I could have a second chance...I would try harder...I would do my best to not over-analyze everything. I am so so sad that I won't be able to see you or your cute little baby boy in the very near future. I was waiting, for the day I got to see him with great anticipation. 7ish months I think... Now, I am just filled with sadness and I am really ashamed of myself. I don't deserve to be your friend...you are way too good for me. I really blew it. Anyway, I want you Brooke, and Christian...and everyone else who sees this to know that you, Brooke are one of the nicest most caring and selfless individuals I have ever met....and I am and will forever be extremely grateful for the time I DID get with you and I will forever be so so so sorry that I was unable to do the same for you. I am sorry for all the hurt I caused you. You are right...you DO deserve to be happy and you DO deserve better friends. You deserve more positive and uplifting friends. The kind that buoy you up....not the kind that are an anchor around your ankle pulling you down... I know I was the latter. I am sorry....and I will continue to be sorry as long as I live. I hope that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Until then, I wish you the best in life Brooke. I wish you and your new family everything that is good and happy. I'm sorry.
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