ohhh sundays

I've always loved the Sabbath.
It's great to have an excuse to listen to beautiful music, spend time with people I love, cook lots of good food, and not do homework (that's been my favorite excuse for the last 6 years, if we're being real here!)

Then I had a baby, and my perception of Sundays has changed quite a bit. My morning goes something like:
Head pops off pillow, brain is like:
"Oh no. It's Sunday. IT'S SUNDAY"

Nash is old enough now that he won't sleep through every meeting like he used to. Instead, he misses his morning nap and fusses super loudly unless we are holding him juuuust right. I spend half of relief society feeding him, burping him, changing him, and cleaning up the inevitable 5 spit ups that happen immediately after he's done eating. The rest of relief society is spent running back and forth from my chair to the piano so I can magnify my calling, while simultaneously handing my babe off to a willing woman, praying the whole time whilst fumbling through a song "Please don't start crying. Please don't spit up on her...." Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Sunday school and sacrament meeting are no different. Singing songs, playing with toys, shushing, standing up and down and back up again, and "pass the wipes" and "here's the blanket" and "where's his binky" and the list goes on. And then we rush home from church to feed the baby, attempt to get him down for a nap, and then visit teach and make dinner and bake a treat and call our families and catch our breath somewhere in there.

The crazy thing to me is that I KNOW I'm not alone in this busy Sunday routine. Every parent with a young child or children knows exactly how this is. It's so hard! As I sat in the mother's room yesterday, rocking my boy to sleep for what felt like the tenth time, hot tears of frustration and defeat rolled down my cheeks. I kept thinking "I can't do this every week! I'm not getting anything out of these meetings! I leave church feeling more flustered and disheveled than I did when I came!"

And then I'm reminded of the sweet remark made in the General Women's meeting on Saturday night. It's not so much about making it to each of the meetings on Sunday.
What matters is my faith.
And faith I've definitely got. I know that attempting to make it to church on time, and playing the piano, and singing primary songs to my son while I sit by myself in the hall, and trying to retain at least 5 seconds of spiritual enlightenment, and doing my visiting teaching, and spending time with my family, are the things I should be doing.

And if I have to spend the majority of church sitting in the foyer for the next however many years, well I'll be darned then I'm going to keep doing it! Because through all the frustration and frazzled moments, I know I'm not alone. I know I'm getting the help I need. I love my family, and I love this church, and I know this is all what I should be doing.

oh so grateful!

First I just have to say thanks for all the thoughts in regards to my last post. I know I sounded like a hormonal freak (truth!), but it's something I've struggled with for a long time actually! I've got a good handle on it a lot of the time, but since I haven't dealt with in almost a year, it has sort of knocked me off my feet the last few months. Keep on keepin' on, that's how I feel about it. Anyways. 

So I'm like every other woman on the planet and totally fangirling about autumn and boots and pumpkins and blllaaaaahh. This year however, I can't help but feel especially thankful for this beautiful time of year because last fall, I was hunched over a toilet for 4 months straight and couldn't appreciate any of it's beauty. I didn't eat ONE SINGLE PUMPKIN FLAVORED ITEM because it made me so ill. We didn't buy any fall scented candles, I could hardly handle the smell of the leaves (I KNOW!), it's a sob story, really. I was super nervous all summer long because any time I thought of anything related to fall, it literally made me sick to my stomach. 

Morning sickness is a B. 

Anyways, I'm thrilled because I'm surviving and loving it so far! We made a list of things we want to do (the bulk is a bunch of old movies we want to watch, so... we're boring), and I've been bit by the baking bug. Which is strange because normally I abhor baking. My waist is probably going to wish I abhored it by the time January rolls (har har) around but, what are you gonna do. 

And I've decided having a baby during this time of year is officially the best. Because this:

Happy Friday!

girl talk

This is a post about periods. You've been warned.
So, now that that's outta the way...

Mine came back a measly two months after giving birth. What's with all that crap about breastfeeding supposedly keeping it away?! Oh yeah, crap, that's what.

I forgot how much I loved that part of being pregnant. Not only that, but my hormones were just dreamy. I'm WAY better off pregnant in that regard. (Probably that will be a factor in how quickly I want another baby. Just don't tell Christian ;) )

Anyways, you guys. I need to know I'm not alone and I need to get some ideas for how to combat the wretched week and a half before aunt flo arrives. I seriously have the worst PMS in the world. I'm exhausted all the time (and having a baby/being in school/working doesn't help that of course!), I feel like I cry at the drop of a hat, I don't want to do anything that I normally love, I feel neglected by my husband if he's not fawning over me and telling me how awesome I am 24 hours a day, I want to eat ALL THE CANDY, my patience is non-existent, and basically I hate almost every second of the day. Then my period comes and I'm like "WOW! I'm a freaking new woman! I love life! Do all the things!" And then rainbows shoot out of my eyes because seriously, that's how much energy I feel like I gain overnight.

Here's my dilemma: I don't know how to deal with this! I consistently exercise 4-5 times a week (even when I'm PMS-y), I eat pretty healthy (the occasional donuts, candy and soda aside. HEY WE CAN'T ALL BE PERFECT!), I'm trying to get enough sleep, and I'm not on BC because that stuff is just... too much. What are some other things I can do? Magical herbal concoctions? TV shows that will take my mind off the doom and gloom? A comfort food? A pill I'm not taking? Hey, I'll even take a spell at this point. Alas, we don't live in the land of Harry Potter, so that option is probably last on the list.

Am I the only one who deals with this on this level? Hormones are great for some things (winkwink), but they just wreck me sometimes, and I need some sister love and help.

Seriously though. Send chocolate and a Meg Ryan movie stat.

Nash at 4 months

You guys. I'm dying over how fun things are with this boy right now.
I'm sure I will feel that way about every stage, but seriously I'm eating this up.
Here are some stats and things I'm loving about our Nashy boy at the moment:

Height: 26 inches
Weight: 16.7 lbs
Head: BIG. Like 98th percentile big ha!

We've been giving him rice cereal for a few weeks, thus everything is getting a little stinkier. Seriously his farts are OUT OF CONTROL smelly. Ahhh, such a boy!!

He loves to hold and play with your hands and fingers. For some reason they are way more engaging than any toy we give him. It also really helps him fall asleep if he can hold our hands. So cute!

He gets so distracted when he nurses that I have to cover his face so he won't look around, come unlatched, flail, etc.

He totally loves having his diaper changed. Nothing like a little breeze, right buddy?

He's so talkative when he's just sitting by himself. Especially when we are in the car. It's the cutest!

He still spits up like a champ. I'm SO ready for that phase to end!

Mostly, he's just the happiest, most content, and curious boy. He RARELY gets full on screaming upset, and he's perfectly fine just sitting on your lap observing his surroundings. He knows who mom and dad are, and is starting to notice when he's with a stranger and not one of us. He's not a huge fan of that, which sort of melts my mama heart. I love this little boy more than words can say!

new mom confessions

Another post about being a mother?!
Are you really surprised? ;)

So lately I've been thinking a lot about my insecurities as a new mom. Guys, they are ENDLESS. Especially because I feel like I didn't do, and am still not doing, everything I could have to prepare. Here are some of my confessions, try not too cringe too much!

- I didn't read a single pregnancy or parenting book, and I still haven't. I've perused plenty of websites, but no actual books. I feel sort of guilty about it, but every time I dive too deep in information, it overwhelms me and makes me second guess literally everything I'm doing. I figure my baby is happy and healthy, and Christian and I don't hate each other, so I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing!

- I am currently surviving on a diet coke and one treat a day. That's not ALL I'm eating of course (I'm the queen of healthy dinners, POW!), but I seriously can't survive without the little shot of caffeine and little shot of chocolate. Again, baby is happy and healthy, so who gives right?

- Sometimes, I just have to let my little guy sit and fuss because I can't muster up the energy to be cheerful and help him. I give it about 5 minutes, and then he starts doing something funny and it helps me feel better. Also, I have a stock of hilarious videos of him that I watch when he's making me crazy. It ALWAYS brightens my mood.

- I feel guilty for not having a firm bedtime routine established for Nash. Is it horrible that I don't bathe him and read to him EVERY single night?

- I also feel guilty when Christian wakes up and helps me in the middle of the night (more like 4:30 in the morning, but you know. Still fracking early!). But seriously, I will go crazy if I have to do that on my own!

Honestly I could go on and on with this list, but I'd hate to look any less perfect than I already am ha! So there you have it.

you know you're a mom when...

Firstly, your babies don't always love you.

1. It is perfectly acceptable to have spit up or pee in your hair at some point. It is also acceptable to continue wearing clothes that have been covered in said spit up and/or pee. Not only is this acceptable, but encouraged. Stains are simply a new staple in your wardrobe.
Another load of laundry? Aint nobody got time for that!

2. With great effort, it IS possible to be romantic with your long lost spouse-turned-roommate. Make an effort to hold hands, send sweet texts, and reconnect at the end of the day, even if it's just for 5 minutes. You're in this together, and you both need support from one another.
Baby's finally asleep? Go ahead and make out a little. There's nothing a little kissing can't fix.

3. Try and find a few other friends with babies, because as hard as your childless friends will try to care about how long your baby slept last night, their eyes will glaze over eventually.
And that spitting up story you want to tell them? They'd probably be fine if you didn't.
It's just nice to have a few friends with babies to swap baby stories with, you know?

4. Talking in a baby voice all the time will be your new normal. And you will love it.

5. You will never NOT feel tired. Its gets easier after a few months, but the exhaustion will always be looming. It's harsh, but get used to it as soon as you can and try to live your life as normal.
That's easier said than done of course, and takes a while to adjust to!

6. Everything your child does will be the freaking cutest thing you've ever seen in your whole entire life.
Burps and farts included.

7. As hard as it is, try not to feel guilty for having some "me time". It's necessary, and you will go crazy without it! Make sure it's something you love too, be it exercise, painting your nails, watching your favorite movie, strolling through Target, or all of the above. Plan it out if you need to, but whatever you do, make sure it happens. You deserve it. You squeezed something the size of a melon out of your body, after all!

8. All those reservations you've ever had about poo, boogers, throwup and pee? Yeah kiss those good bye and hone that gag reflex, and fast. Babies are known to dish out all 4 at the same time with little regard to convenience.

9. Postpartum hair loss is no joke. As if birth wasn't cruel enough, just when you feel like you've returned to normal, all your hair starts to fall out and you legitimately feel like Gollum.

Thanks for nothing, hormones.

10. Anyone who looks like they've got it together right after having a baby is pulling one over on you. Behind the perfect hair, the cute clothes, and the flawless smile is a mom who is feeling just as frazzled as you are. Go easy on yourself and enjoy the craziness, because it will pass way too quickly.

all the feelings

One thing I really struggled with at the beginning of our marriage was feeling frustrated about something and not always knowing WHY. Something would happen that would upset me, but it wasn't necessarily that exact moment that upset me. More like... a culmination of moments?
Another thing I really struggled with was being willing to tell Christian why I was upset, once I actually figured it out of course. Confrontation isn't really my thing, and I'm always quick to shove my emotions aside to spare the other party, to a fault. I'm sure this is why I have a hard time knowing why I'm upset sometimes... because I often don't take the time to figure it out myself before I bury it!
Anyways.

I'm lucky I married a man who isn't quick to ignore me when I'm upset. Christian is very good at prodding, eventually getting it out of me. It's something I've had to word very hard on the last few years; pinpointing exactly WHAT has frustrated me (like I said, it's usually a combination of things. SO MANY FEELINGS!), and then being willing to diplomatically explain it to Christian.
That's not always easy to do! Especially if he is the perpetrator! After sorting through your emotions, then you have to express it to this person you can simultaneously love/want to kill to death, without being too unkind or offensive!
Also, sometimes things will happen that make me mad, and it's almost like I need a target (sound familiar to anyone?). So even if Christian isn't the guilty party, I still end up feeling frustrated at him.
Like "Why can't he read my mind and make everything better already?!" 

Being a woman is hard sometimes. There's always a million thoughts parading around our brains, endless comparisons between whatever this and whatever that, often feeling like we fall short in every aspect of life, and let's not even talk about the emotional and hormonal roller coasters we have to endure! It's exhausting trying to sort it all out, and stay sane, which is why I guess it's awesome (AND NEEDED) sometimes to just have a good cry over nothing, binge eat ice cream, and watch totally worthless crap television.
Moose Tracks and the Bachelor are usually my drugs of choice ;)

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this today. I guess I'm just feeling the weight of being... human, I guess? Ha! Just gotta take a load off sometimes, you know?

Am I the only one who struggles with these things? Because so often I feel like my emotions and thoughts are so frayed and scrambled that it's not even worth trying to figure myself out!

from babies to babies

Christian and I met 6 years ago this week! (Technically yesterday, but... details.)

I can't hardly believe it! We were 18 year old babies and now we are makin babies of our own. Crazy how much time changes things.

Have I ever told you how we met? Cause I'm about to. Christian's side of it is a little different, of course. Maybe I will be able to convince him to share it. Probably not though. Anyways, I digress!

I came to BYU with my best friend in the whole world, Nicole. Guys, we were crazy. We still are, but our levels of crazy back then were unprecedented. 

Not like "go out and party all night" kind of crazy... a unique crazy, that involves taping pictures of Morgan Freeman to our wall, and putting nylons on our head and chasing our other friend Kaylie around the dorms kind of crazy. This is vital information, because I was so wrapped up in being crazy with Nicole when Christian and I "first met" that I literally don't remember it. 

We were in the same freshman ward, you see. And it was at our ward opening social that we were first introduced. I remember there being boys, but more than anything I remember goofing off with my girlfriends. Sounds like the theme of my teenage years. So. There's that.

I'm horrible, I know. 

What I  DO remember is on our first Sunday, noticing the cute boy at ward prayer (ohhh BYU) who was wearing mocs and glasses and a Jimmy Eat World shirt. A staple of cool, in my book. It didn't take long before I realized this boy was also hilarious and sharp and perfect best friend material. Obviously I was smitten, and I HAD to have him.

Somehow I convinced him to take a Book of Mormon class with me the following semester. And not only that, I also convinced him that he wanted to sit next to me every day too. It really didn't take long before I realized Christian is totally my kind of crazy, which is probably why we clicked so well then.

Long story short, I convinced him to stick around even longer, and we've been "sitting" next to each other ever since. 

Man I love this boy.